


Moving On

by scintillateworld



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feelings, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-07-11 05:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7030642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scintillateworld/pseuds/scintillateworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faith at SVU has been restored when Olivia is reinstated after her transfer. But how will Barba and Olivia recover from the events? Will their friendship persist or will they drift further apart? (Picks up after Manhattan Transfer and Unholiest Alliance)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first time at attempting to write for Law and Order: SVU. I have always been in love with the show. And while catching up recently I just came to love Barba. Especially his relationship with Olivia. 
> 
> This story has not been checked by a beta, so my apologies for any mistakes!
> 
> I don't own Law and Order: SVU!

Her belongings were back in place, exactly where they always belonged. But it wasn't just her belongings. She was back too. She was back where she belonged.

The squad room had cleared out and was now dimly lit. Just hours earlier the detectives had left. And even though she had been invited for celebratory drinks, she just needed time to herself. Time to reevaluate all that had happened.

She sat down in the chair behind her desk. Her elbows came to rest on the solid wooden surface. She closed her eyes as her hands pushed her hair back in relief. For a moment she breathed in and out calmly, trying to get over the panic that had been instilled in her when she had been transferred out of SVU. She was mostly definitely relieved, but that didn't erase what had happened. The accusations against Tucker, her own career jeopardized, and then there was the drift with Barba. They were friends. On occasions she considered him to be a great friend. They had shared drinks after work, had been there through rougher situations. She had expected more from him. Maybe it was unfair, unjustified even, but he was someone she had always trusted easily. He fought with passion to get justice, no matter the obstacles. She had always been inspired by him, in ways she couldn't describe.

But now. Now she no longer knew what she felt. Whether it was betrayal or hurt, she didn't know. Her judgment was clouded by the too many questions racing through her head. So she decided to put Barba out of her head for a while.

But then as if by magic, she heard a pair of footsteps coming into the direction of her office. She opened her eyes and lifted her head up to spot the late night visitor. With a heavy sigh she took notice of Barba walking towards her office determinedly. Apparently the universe had decided that she had to deal with her problems immediately instead of walking away from them, like she had planned. She stayed seated in her chair with her eyes adverted to the door, while waiting for him to step into her office.

Barba could see her looking back at him momentarily through the slight opening of her office door. He stopped in front of the office, opened the door and walked inside. He took immediate notice of the exhaustion and defeat displayed across her features. He closed the door behind him just in case of anyone else coming back to the squad room. After all that had transpired they had much to talk about. He feared that their once professional relationship, and perhaps even their friendship, was now threatened by his conduct.

''It is good to see you back where you belong, lieutenant.'' he greeted in almost a whisper. ''Can we talk?'' he asked carefully, hoping for Olivia to respond positively.

She finally locked eyes with him and just nodded. There wasn't much for her to say. She couldn't put into words what she felt. ''So we can finally talk?''

''I had a feeling I might find you here.'' he replied, ignoring her question blatantly. ''What are you doing here at this time?''

She sat up in her chair calmly, watching as he sat down in the chair across from her desk. ''I had drinks with Ed and then decided to go home early, but I ended up here.'' she explained quickly. ''Better question is: what are you doing here, Barba?''

He cleared his throat, sitting straight up. As always he exuded his confidence, yet in that moment it didn't matter to him. He wanted to repair his relationship with one his friends, which he felt was obviously damaged, maybe even broken. He had to know how she felt. ''I want to clear up any misunderstandings we might have had, Liv.'' he said sincerely.

''It seems you and I have very different definitions of misunderstandings.'' she commented. Just like their last conversation she felt frustrated, almost angry even. She was keeping it just below the surface, but she wanted to let it all out. None of what had happened was fair. She was dragged down with Tucker only due to their relationship. And although it seemed worth it to stand by him, she had expected Barba out of everyone to respond differently than he had.

He nodded, realizing she wasn't going to be understanding of his choices or actions. That much was obvious from her lack of usual warmth and kindness. The conversation felt more difficult and distant than ever before. ''I don't what else I can say.'' he mumbled. ''Liv, we're friends. This shouldn't be a problem.''

''Barba,'' she began, trying to find the words to express her current state of mind. ''All I ever needed from you was to trust me. But you didn't.'' she told him, the sting of pain reaching its way to the surface. ''So what does that say about us?''

''Nothing.'' Barba insisted immediately. ''This was purely professional. I had my reasons for reporting your relationship with Tucker to 1PP.'' he reminded her.

Olivia rose from her chair and turned her back to Barba out of pure frustration. She turned back around with her arms folded across her chest. ''It's evident that I see things differently.'' she decided. ''I just wish you would've trusted me to handle the investigation and the allegations against Tucker.''

He shook his head in response. ''This had nothing to do with trust.'' he interjected. ''It is my obligation to report a conflict of interest when I'm aware of it. Liv, you are seeing someone I was investigating. It was my duty to inform 1PP.'' he continued on.

''Which nearly caused me my job, Barba!'' she remarked as she made a few steps to the right and back to the left out anguish.

Barba also rose from his chair. He approached Olivia carefully out of respect. He hated how things were between them. He couldn't stand that his duties as an ADA were now jeopardizing his friendship with her. She was one of the very few people he trusted, especially since all that the squad had been through in just the few years that he'd been with them. ''I never meant for that to happen!'' he assured. ''I would've been devastated if you had lost your job, Liv.'' he said compassionately.

A silence fell between them as they stood just a few feet apart. They gazed into each other's eyes, searching for the times when their jobs were easier. For times where they could get a drink after work to forget the horrors they faced on a daily basis. But standing there, both knowing that the case had severely damaged their trust in one another, was achingly painful. Unfortunately it was reality of their jobs, and neither could change it.

Olivia understood his duties as an ADA. She understood why he had to do it. It just didn't ease the pain, nor the betrayal. If anything she'd hoped that Barba would've trusted her despite his obligations. That hurt her the most. The lack of trust he had shown on his part, and it made her question their friendship, even their professional relationship. The guilt and pain she felt had started to transform into confusion and distrust.

It seemed to her that he didn't understand her feelings, or that he might even refused to understand. And that thought tore her apart. It made her question everything. How could he do this? Why wouldn't he listen? Didn't he care? Even after everything, she felt that she needed to know why. Despite this it became obvious to her that he had no answers to provide her with. No explanation would've made her feel better. Even though she wished things were different, he had shifted in her eyes. In a way she had lost respect for him, and that felt unforgiveable to her.

But as he took another step forward, she no longer felt the energy to push him away. All of a sudden she was exhausted. All the frustration had faded with the knowledge that no words would help either of them. So all she felt was numbness.

Once again she looked up. This time searching his face for something. Something familiar, maybe something comforting. Yet his eyes were filled with defeat, but also blame. To him, she was still the bad guy. The person who had hidden a relationship from her colleagues. So she reminded herself once more, that she couldn't make him understand. So she simply shook her head.

''It doesn't matter, Barba.'' she sighed briefly.

He came to a halt and for a moment looked at her questioningly, as if telling her he didn't believe her. ''Really?'' he demanded, reflecting pain and sorrow in his expression. ''Liv, I'm sorry.'' he whispered barely in a low tone.

Inwardly, she questioned: sorry for what? For hurting me? Instead of saying another word she moved past him, ready to leave her own office just to escape. But she was stopped by his strong hand taking a hold of her arm. The touch wasn't demanding. Instead it was soft, nostalgic even. She stopped from walking away and turned around gently, not knowing what his touch was supposed to mean. To her it felt like a silent plea for understanding, yet he still didn't say anything out loud.

She replayed his words once more. _It was my duty. It was my obligation._ As she stared back into his eyes, she could see it, they were not so different. She, just like him, would've done anything for her job. To do things right. The only heartbreaking difference between them was his refusal to acknowledge the consequences his actions had for her. And it had shaped a wall between them.

Barba knew that she was deep in thought just like him. Nothing seemed to help them. He took one last step forward, releasing his grip on her arm softly. He just stared up at her, looking for any sign that they were fine, but he couldn't find anything in her defeated expression. Ever so carefully, he lifted his hand to her shoulder and squeezed it comfortingly. He could almost swear he heard her release a shuddering breath at his touch. But instead of questioning her, he kept standing there, face to face, trying to live with how different their relationship was going to be.

Standing there across from him seemed to take forever. But deep down, she knew it couldn't be. With one last blink, she stepped away from him and left the unbearable silence of her office, not knowing what kind of future with him she'd be walking into the following day.


	2. Chapter 2

The next time they ran into one another wasn't exactly a surprise. A rape suspect was being questioned in an interrogation room by Olivia and Amanda. When she walked out of the room to leave Amanda to it, he was there. There, staring through the glass as they did their jobs.

She used to savor it. Knowing he'd watch her in action in an interrogation room. In some unexplainable way it was encouraging knowing he was out there, ready to take on the case and get justice for those who had been hurt. It was the inherent nature of their jobs to depend upon on another. One couldn't simply exist without the other. She and her squad needed him to not break the law. To receive warrants when they were needed. And he needed them to lay out the evidence, so he could get a conviction in court. Their jobs were connected, dependent, upon on another in their existence. And that she used to savor. Now it frightened her. Whatever tension and wariness was present between them could easily risk their case. It was because of that very reason that she put a smile on her face. Simply for the sake her squad, but most of all the victims who deserved justice. Whatever personal feelings she carried along, had to be buried while at work. And so she did.

She gently closed the door behind her and walked into Barba's direction. She stepped next to him so she had full view of the interrogation. ''Counselor,'' she acknowledged.

''Seems that we have a bulletproof case before I go to court for the arraignment.'' Barba said, immediately taking their conversation in a working direction. ''We have DNA evidence, he has no alibi. Was the victim coming in to make an official ID as well?''

Olivia nodded. ''Yes, Carie will be here in about an hour to make the ID. However, he's claiming it was consensual.'' she said, pointing at the suspect in the interrogation room.

Barba nodded, not shocked by the claim that was made. ''It's classical.'' he breathed out. He was ready to leave when something stopped him. Instead, he remained next to her. He couldn't stand the silence between them. It was so unlike them. Out of everyone, Olivia had always been the one person he was closest to. Especially, after the events with Alex Munoz, which brought up many unresolved emotions for him. But she had been the one he talked to. And now, more than anything, he wished he could talk to her again like he used to. ''How's Tucker doing?'' he asked, showing compassion for the man whose career, just like Olivia's, had almost been ruined forever.

Olivia's eyes shut up to meet his in astonishment. For a moment she was at a loss of words, but decided to reciprocate. ''He has settled back in. He's doing good.'' she responded. ''Thanks for asking.''

His lips formed a small but tense smile as his eyes strayed to the clock on the nearest wall. ''I…uhh…have to go.'' he commented. ''A meeting with the DA.'' he told her simply.

''We'll see you later then.'' Olivia added, passing him by as she made her way into her office. She closed the door behind her, and immediately sat down in her chair.

She absolutely hated how the situation turned out. In reality, she should've been ecstatic. Her life was back on track. She had her job, her relationship with Tucker. Yet she had a nagging feeling that some things had changed in a way that couldn't be fixed. She just wished she knew what exactly was bothering her that much.

* * *

As usual after a long day of work, Olivia resigned to her couch with a glass of wine. Noah had fallen asleep without a fuss. And after a phone call with Tucker, she was relieved to find some time to herself.

Out of nowhere her thoughts wandered to Carie, the arraignment, and the trial that was starting the following day. Her rapist had entered a not guilty plea, but Barba worked his magic and ensured that he wouldn't get out on bail during the trial. It was no longer a surprise to her that he was very capable of doing his job, yet she still felt pride in the knowledge that she got to work with him.

She was about to lean back in her couch when a soft knock on the door sounded. She put the glass down on the coffee table and walked to the door. She opened it slowly, revealing a somewhat disheveled Barba. He didn't seem to be in his usual state of mind. ''Barba…'' she greeted kindly.

''Liv, can I come in?'' he questioned somberly.

It was apparent to Olivia that something was weighing heavily on his heart. She stepped aside as a means of inviting him in. In silence she strode back to her couch and sat down, looking to him for some sign of what he needed.

''Have a seat.'' she offered almost in an inaudible voice when Barba hadn't moved an inch. She moved a few inches to the other end of the couch, and waited on him.

He sat down with an unspoken sigh. ''I'm sorry to come by unannounced.'' he apologized as he turned to her. ''I didn't meant to.''

''It's fine, Barba.'' she reassured. ''What's going on?''

He gazed right back into her eyes, not once breaking the eye contact. ''I despise this situation, or tension…whatever it is.'' he began. ''I couldn't go on another day like this without talking to you.''

She stayed silent, giving him space to continue. And in that moment, she felt extreme regret for the way she had conducted herself. She had gotten so caught up in the mixed emotions that she had completely forgotten Barba's emotions, which was selfish. And she regretted that.

''With the work we do I can't pretend like things are alright between us when it's so obvious that they're not.'' he continued. ''I just want to talk about this like we always could.'' Barba reminded her.

She closed her eyes for a moment, then looking at him once more. ''I should've never doubted you.'' she confessed painfully, her hands clenched together uncomfortably. For some reason tears had formed in her eyes. ''You deserved more from me. You deserved my understanding.''

''It's okay, Liv.''

She shook her head, a single tear slipping down her cheek. The embarrassment was apparent. She almost never cried, yet she couldn't stop it from happening. ''No, it's not alright.'' she stammered. ''Every day we go to the darkest places we can imagine, and all of us need some light in that darkness. And you're that light, Barba. You give all of us closure, not just the victims, but also us because justice is served.'' she went on. ''The squad needs you. We cannot do it without you.''

She took a deep breath. ''So we need you, and I jeopardized our work with my behavior. And for that I am extremely sorry.'' she uttered sincerely. ''You were doing your job! And I should've never distrusted you after all we've been through with…''

''…Lewis.'' he said, finishing the sentence for her.

''Yeah,'' she sighed deeply. ''You were a big part of getting through that. You had my best interest at heart, especially with the trial.''

In a way Barba felt relieved. They were having an open and honest conversation for the first time in weeks. But this appeared to be on another level. Neither one of them had spoken of Lewis to the other after the trial and his death. It was a subject to leave buried, but now both of them had brought it up.

''I still wish it had turned out differently. If he hadn't walked the first time, none of it would've happened to you.'' he said, exposing his own emotions on the matter. ''I realize I couldn't have done much more, but I still felt responsible.''

''Why did you never tell me any of this?''

He smiled shortly. ''I am not an emotional person, Liv. I don't talk about these things.''

''It seems that we've both lost sight of where to draw the line between our professional relationship and our friendship.'' she noted sadly. The situation concerning her relationship with Tucker had been the perfect example. Her ability to understand his decision had become so overshadowed because of their friendship.

He felt his heart break at the truth of her words. It resonated so much with him. It was exactly the problem. He just didn't know how to fix it. ''I'll always want to do right by you and the squad, but there will be times when that's not an option because I have to do my job.''

She leaned back on the couch. ''I don't where to go from here, Barba.'' she pointed out, a desperate tone present in her voice.

''I know.'' he mumbled. ''I know, Liv.''

''Maybe we need distance for the sake of our jobs.'' she croaked out. It seemed like the only solution, but she didn't feel right about it anymore than Barba seemed to. But instead of objecting he nodded in agreement, a silent expression of pain crossing his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part in italics is a flashback to the deleted scene of season 17. I absolutely loved that scene and it was a shame that they did not air it in the actual episode. Therefore, I decided to incorporate it in my story.

The incredible pull of the memory forced him awake. He sat straight up in his bed, his head turning to his clock. 03:56. It way too early for him to be awake. So he turned on his side and closed his eyes once again in the hopes of getting some actual sleep. The case awaiting him in court in the morning was bulletproof. Yet he found himself unable to fall asleep as his mind seemed to replay his conversation with Olivia over and over. She suggested they take some distance following their falling out for the sake of their jobs. And even though he understood, it still bothered him. They had certainly argued before and needed time to get back to their usual pace of working together. But they had always managed to move on. Especially after the police shooting months earlier when he believed she may never forgive him, and she had. They had moved on following an honest and open conversation.

_She had walked straight from his office door to the window. ''So we haven't spoken since the police shooting grand jury. Are we uhh…'' she turned around, leaning in against the window searching for support. ''Are we just going to pretend that everything's okay?'' she asked._

_Barba stood close to his desk, closely observing her movements as she spoke to him. It was clear she wanted to move on from the events that had followed the police shooting, especially the disagreement they'd had. ''That'll be my preference.'' he responded in a slightly joking tone as he looked away from her. But his eyes quickly found hers once more and he looked at her intently, making clear that he was incredibly serious. ''I was protecting you.'' he told her with ease. ''If you had overtly testified against your fellow officers your career at NYPD would be over.''_

_His explanation still did not reassure her. ''Oh I see, so you were doing me a favor?'' she demanded, pointing at herself._

_Barba immediately began walking towards her. ''We both know that you would not have fired in that situation.'' he reminded her with a harder tone of voice. He stopped right in front of her, gazing right into her eyes. ''I got the grand jury to understand that, without you having to say it.''_

_She understood. Of course she did. He protected her, like he always had. She nodded, adverting her eyes. ''Okay.'' she spoke softly. She looked back up at him with an expression of concern. ''And what happens when these cops go to trial?''_

_He nodded, sensing the exact same concern she had. ''I worry about that every night.'' he said gently, his eyes displaying various emotions. He held eye contact with her for a few more seconds before she stared down._

He found himself remembering that particular moment. Something in her eyes had given him chills. Perhaps it were the emotions. Or maybe something else entirely. As always, with Olivia questions had remained, and were still unanswered.

He moved onto his back, closing his eyes and pulling the covers over his upper body. He breathed in deeply. Working with Olivia had been a challenge since day one. Not due to her ability to annoy or frustrate him sometimes. It was because of her unwavering mission to seek justice. She inspired him, pushed him, to always do the right thing. And although that was the nature of his job, she gave him the edge he needed to be just that much better at it.

He breathed out in frustration, his hand going through his hair. His mind was racing. Sleep seemed out of the question. Instead of lying in the bed, he jumped from the bed and walked out of his bedroom and into the living room. He dropped down on his couch, and looked down at the case file scattered across his coffee table. He figured it'd be better to use the time to prep for the case instead of lying awake thinking of a woman with whom his friendship was very much unknown.

* * *

On the other side of town, Olivia was staring down at the time. She felt uneasy for some reason. Perhaps it was settling back into work after her temporary transfer. Or maybe it was the panic of being faced with losing everything she'd worked endlessly for. She had no clue. Something felt wrong.

Any stranger would most likely view her life as perfect. Sure, she'd been through traumatic events, and yet came out on the other side. She had a beautiful son, a man she adored, and a job that was her whole entire world. Nothing was supposed to be wrong, but most of all, nothing was supposed to feel wrong. And it did.

She had so many questions for herself which she couldn't answer. Why did she tell Barba she needed distance? What did they need distance for? They had certainly gone through tough times before, and had taken their time to work through it. And in that moment, lying in her bed, the thought that distance from Barba sounded ridiculous. He was one of her best friends. She had always considered him a friend, but realized they were much closer when they had drinks after the events that transpired with Alex Munoz. It was one of the first moments she felt him opening up to her, and becoming personal. That moment had most definitely changed something for her. And many more moments followed which defined their friendship. Somehow recent events seemed to have affected them the most, especially her. She saw no clarity in coming back from it. Maybe it was related to her own inability to accept what had happened. She had yet to find out what everything had done to her life, including to the lives of those she loved.

* * *

It was late in the afternoon, three weeks after Carie's trial had officially started that Olivia was seated in the gallery, watching as Barba rose from his chair to deliver his closing statement in front of the jury. He had presented them with an airtight case, and managed to poke holes in everything that defense claimed to have happened. It was clear to her, that he was in his element. And even though they had barely spoken in three weeks, she realized that much.

She caught his gaze momentarily as he turned to face the jury, but he quickly adverted his eyes and refocused on doing his job properly.

''Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,'' Barba started off confidently. ''The defense has laid out a clear story to justify Tyler Warner's actions when he raped Carie. Yes, Tyler Warner had a difficult childhood but that is not an excuse for rape.'' he continued on. ''Tyler Warner could have simply helped the victim find her way home, but instead he took advantage of her. The defense wants you to believe that Carie consented to the act.'' he said, turning around to face the screen at the front of the court room where pictures of Carie's bruises and injuries were displayed. ''These injuries do not indicate consent. Tyler Warner knew what he was doing when he beat, choked and raped her. He knew it was wrong and he did everything he could to get away with it.'' he went on. ''He choose Carie as a victim simply because of opportunity. Tyler Warner choose the course of his actions.'' he added. ''Make him take responsibility for it!'' he ended as he strode back to the table and sat back down in his chair.

Olivia breathed in deeply as she stared intently at the jurors. Barba seemed to have hit all the right points. His statement was straightforward and honest. It was the reality of the situation, and now they could only wait for the jury to come back with the verdict, and hopefully justice for Carie would be served.

She rose from her seat in the gallery after the judge had adjourned the trial until the jury would come back with its verdict in the case. She followed Carie out into the hallway and said a quick goodbye before she ran into the arms of her family. Olivia stood back and watched her family embrace her with warmth and kindness. As she folded her arms across her chest, she saw Barba slip out of the courtroom from the corner of her eye. She almost followed him, but remained still and watched him walk out of sight.

* * *

About three hours later after the jury had declared Tyler Warner guilty of rape, Olivia found herself wandering into the direction of Barba's office. She stopped in front of the door, at odds with herself whether to go in or not. They had barely spoken a word, and she couldn't stand it. She opened the door slowly and walked inside, noticing he was hunched over paperwork as he was seated on his couch. He had taken off his suit jacket and tie, and the top buttons of his dress shirt were open.

She caught his gaze when he overheard the door opening, and he looked exhausted to her. ''Hey,'' she said in a soft whisper.

Barba immediately sat straight up on his couch, straightening his back as he did so. ''Lieutenant.'' he greeted formally. ''How can I help you?''

Olivia closed the door to his office and moved into the direction straight across from him. ''I thought we could celebrate your win today.'' she said with a small smile as she pulled a bottle of old scotch out of her purse. ''Just like the old days.'' she uttered as she put the bottle down on his table.

''I thought you wanted, or needed distance.'' he reminded her as he watched her from his couch.

She stepped forward nodding her head. ''Maybe I don't know what I want.'' she confessed.

Barba was more confused than ever, but decided to push those feelings aside. He needed his friend, and moved to the end of the couch while putting his hand down next to him. ''Have a seat.'' he offered kindly. He rose from the couch and quickly grabbed to small glasses from his desk, and sat back down next to Olivia.

He took the bottle and poured the scotch. ''Here you go.''

''Thanks.'' she whispered.

They both leaned back in the couch, enjoying each other's company in complete silence.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the chapter where everything changes because I finally had the courage to plunge right into this. I rewrote this chapter so many times, and I am still not too happy with it. But I hope it is something you guys will enjoy.
> 
> Thank you all so much for the kudos! It means the world to me.
> 
> I don't own Law and Order: SVU!

The silence in the office had remained. Both had their third glass of scotch in their hand. Barba was relishing in the feeling of the old tradition they had always shared after cases, whether it was a loss or a win. Throughout the years they had known each other it had become a way for them to deal with their daily working lives, without having to really talk about it.

This time was no different, even though their relationship had been altered, it felt right to still sit with one another and find comfort in each other. Besides Olivia, Barba was often unable to find solace in the presence of another person. He didn't have many friends. And Olivia had counted as one of his best friends. She was also one of the few people who he admired. In many ways she challenged him. Not only to prosecute difficult cases, but also to become a better person. Because of her, he focused more on getting justice for the victims than actually winning the case.

Barba moved to the edge of the couch, putting his glass down on the table before him. He gazed to his side, watching Olivia staring at her glass of scotch. The expression on her face was stoic and blank. He stayed on the edge, his heart wanting to say so many things but his mind stopping him each time he was about to speak. He was at a complete loss of how to start a conversation between them. Ever since her temporary transfer it was difficult to assess how to communicate with her. Mixed signals were given by them both, and were not the least bit resolved. And there was so much he had to tell her. So many things that could potentially change, but he had no idea where to start.

''Penny for your thoughts.'' he said softly.

She put the glass of scotch down and slowly leaned back in the couch. Her eyes moved up to meet his with hesitation and doubt. She was thinking desperately of what to say to him. Too many things were racing through her mind.

''I just…uhh…I feel like so much is changing.'' she said, her voice tender and soft. ''And I just want to stop it.''

He nodded, knowing exactly how she felt. He was in the exact same headspace. Just wanting to wind back time and make everything normal again. But working with her hadn't been normal for him in a long time. Not when his feelings had started to change. The moment he realized his feelings for her, it hit him like a ton of bricks. And ever since, nothing had been the same. And he knew nothing would ever be the same again.

''Change isn't necessarily a bad thing, Liv.'' he said, as if trying to give her some sort of signal. Nothing between them had to change. They could fight to go back to who they once were. Or they could remain distant friends having an occasional drink after work. In the end, he knew it was all up to her.

''You know, these past few days I have been realizing how stupid it was to suggest that we needed distance. It is ridiculous.'' she told him. ''Ever since I first met you, we fell into a pattern. Arguing, and then making up. But these past few months, things have become so much harder, you know. The tension, the…just everything.'' she admitted openly. ''We've always been close, and I don't know what's happened to us.''

''I just want to reclaim that pattern, Barba. I want things to be easy again.'' she continued on. ''I want to argue with you without feeling guilty about it. I want to be us again.'' she ended. She looked away from him, closing her eyes, fighting the tears watering in her eyes.

Shocked by the emotion in her words, he rose from the couch to desperately put some distance between them. The alcohol combined with her presence could lead him to make incredibly stupid choices. So he retreated to his desk where put his glass of scotch down. He leaned on the edge and gazed her way, reminding himself she was taken. She was with Ed Tucker of all people. A man for whom he had a great disliking, and him being with Olivia made it that much worse.

His eyes traveled over her body. He forced himself to look into her eyes with much difficultly. The situation he found himself in made nothing easier. He had always found it impossible to deny Olivia anything. But now he had to fight to deny himself her. The day couldn't get much worse.

It had been a day filled with questions, and decisions he had to make regarding his future. How could he tell her? How could he tell the squad? At least, she, deserved to hear it from him personally. And that moment seemed better than any other time.

So he looked up at her. ''Olivia, I got a job offer today.''

Olivia pushed herself up from the couch. She moved into his direction, unknowingly. She had no clue what she could say. His eyes were on the floor, and his features displayed a sadness she hadn't seen from him before. She wasn't shocked by the job offer. She was shocked by the tone in his voice, as if he was actually taking it. ''What?'' she mumbled. ''What kind of offer?'' she managed to croak out.

''It's the Brooklyn DA's office. They want to offer me a higher position within their office.'' he responded hesitantly. ''And I am seriously considering it, Liv.''

''But why?'' she demanded. ''You said just a few months ago that you had no intention of leaving SVU.''

He nodded, taking note of the pain etched in her eyes. She stared back at him like he had just betrayed her. Her face was tight, her mouth a thin line, and her eyes displaying anger and hurt. ''It has been a learning experience working with SVU…'' he tried to say, but Olivia raised her hand and interrupted him.

''Don't give me that bureaucratic bullshit.'' she shot back angrily. ''Just be honest about this, Barba. Everyone knows you intended to stay with the DA's office here in New York. Why would you go back to Brooklyn?''

His words fell flat. His heart was pushing him to be open and honest, but he knew that the consequences could destroy any future chance for him to even have hope of a relationship with her. So he remained silent instead, ignoring his feelings like he had for so long.

''Is this about the police shooting grand jury?'' she wondered.

He shook his head determinedly. ''No, absolutely not.''

''Is this about me not disclosing my relationship with Tucker to you?'' she continued on, needing an answer that could explain why he would leave SVU behind.

''No, Liv.'' he repeated.

''Then what is it?'' she pleaded with him. ''Rafael, tell me!'' she begged when she was taken off guard by his silence. He was Rafael Barba. He always had something to say. He was never silent. He fought for his own beliefs, he argued, and he mostly won. This was so unlike him.

The manner in which his first name slipped passed her lips so easily, set his heart on fire. She was seeing straight through him. Of course she was. She knew him better than anyone else in his life.

''I just…I can no longer be here.'' he confessed. He shifted on his feet, looking for any sign of understanding, but she still looked confused.

''Am I missing something?''

Barba shook his head, at a loss of whether to tell her or not. His eyes were on the floor and then slowly he looked back up at her. ''I don't have it in me to spend another day here…with you.'' he blurted out. ''It is too hard, and everything is screwed up.'' he went on. ''I was disappointed when you didn't tell me about Tucker out of professional courtesy. But…'' he stopped, not having the courage to end his sentence.

Olivia was staring back at him in disbelief and mixed emotions. ''But what?''

''But it affected me even more personally because I love you, Liv!'' he breathed out and it felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest and he could breathe again. ''There I said it. I love you.''

Out of sheer shock, she took a few steps back and turned around to face away from him. One hand went through her hair as the other remained by her side. She had been clueless about this. She had never seen it. She never expected this. Not coming from him.

She gently turned back to face him. ''Why would you wait until now to tell me?''

''First you were with Cassidy, Olivia. What was I supposed to do?'' he demanded. ''And then everything with Lewis happened, and you had Noah, and now Tucker. There was never a right time.'' he said defensively. ''Besides, would it have changed anything?''

She was fighting with difficultly to remain calm, but she didn't know how to handle it. ''What do you want me say, Barba? This isn't exactly what I expected.'' she responded. ''I do know that you were one of my best friends before everything got mixed up. I know we work well together. I know we share an understanding, we're a team. Can't that just be enough?''

He felt his heart break into tiny pieces. It was clear that these feelings were one-sided like he had expected, yet it still hurt beyond words. ''It used to be enough. But it isn't enough for me anymore.'' he whispered painfully. ''I can't work with you while you're with him. It's too hard. I'm sorry.''

There were many words to describe Olivia's state of mind, but heartbroken seemed to be the best. Heartbroken for their shattered friendship. But what broke her heart the most was that he was actually considering leaving because of her. The thought made her heart ache. If only she had known before. If she had known before Tucker came into the picture, their lives could've been fundamentally different. But they weren't.

So she grabbed her coat and purse, gave Barba a quick nod and rushed out of his office to escape the paining atmosphere. She needed to a clear her head. Because everything that had been said was just too far beyond her belief.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy to be back with another chapter. I am still new to writing Barba/Benson fics, but I am just loving it.
> 
> I hope you all will enjoy this. There is no Barba/Benson interaction in this chapter, but there will be in next chapter.
> 
> And a huge amount of thanks to everyone who has left kudos on this story, and to barsonaddict for commenting!
> 
> I don't own Law and Order: SVU!

__

The following morning Olivia sat behind her desk with a severe headache. The alcohol and confusion from the night before were drowning her focus as she stared down at the case files on her desk.

Three rapes had occurred in the last week with similarities, which meant the perpetrator was quickly escalating. This of course meant that she was under additional pressure from Chief Dodds to solve the case quickly, which didn't make her day much better. Sometimes she'd do anything to be a detective again just so she could avoid the politics of her job.

She looked up from her desk when the voices in the squad room went silent for a moment. She watched as Dodds came walking into the squad room, and was headed straight for her office. She closed the file on her desk, took off her glasses and sat back in her chair, prepared for a long and dreadful speech on the importance of catching the serial rapist.

Dodds strode into her office without an invitation, closing the door behind him. He gazed behind him for a moment and took note of the detectives in the squad room. He then turned his sight to Olivia and noticed that she looked more tired than he'd seen her in a long time. But with the news he'd just heard, he wasn't holding back for her sake. ''Have you heard?''

Olivia sat straight up, staring at him for any clues. She got nothing. ''Heard what?'' she asked for clarification.

''Barba has resigned from the New York DA's office effective immediately.'' he informed her, surprised by the stoic expression on her face. ''Apparently he received a job offer from the Brooklyn DA he couldn't pass up.''

She completely ignored the news to avoid getting into details of what she knew about Barba's reason for resigning from his current position. ''You seem disappointed.'' she noted.

''Aren't you?'' he retorted. ''Barba isn't the easiest ADA to work with, but he achieves good results, which in turn gives us a good image. We need him here. Is there any way you can convince him to stay?''

She shrugged her shoulders and had to force herself not roll her eyes at Dodds. As always he had an ulterior motive in trying to keep Barba at the New York DA's office. ''Barba isn't the type of man you convince to do anything. He has a mind of his own. I hold no sway over him.''

Dodds jumped up from his chair, putting two hands down on her desk and staring her down. ''You're close to him. So try!'' he insisted. He then turned around and walked into the direction of the door. He faced her one last time and threw her a stern nod, and with that he left.

She fell back in her chair and breathed out deeply in frustration. ''Well good day to you too.'' she muttered under her breath. Like she had thought earlier, the day couldn't get much worse.

She turned around with her chair to face the window. The sky was a bright blue color, the exact opposite of her mood. Without much thought, she let her thoughts wander to Barba. She felt the regret as she remembered his expression from the night before. He had looked more saddened and hurt than she'd ever seen him, and she was partly to blame.

But she just couldn't point out where it had all gone wrong. How had their friendship turned into something more for him? She'd never realized his feelings for her. Things had always run smoothly with them. Perhaps that was a clue. Because although they disagreed on a weekly basis, they sailed through and closed cases. Maybe their bond, their friendship, had always been something more. She just never saw it. And even now she was lost for words as she fought to struggle through her feelings of him having officially resigned.

But Tucker was her significant other. He had changed in her eyes. She had come to known him on a different level. And now she cared deeply for him. But was it enough?

Just as she was about to answer the question, she heard her phone buzz one time. She turned and smiled shortly when she saw the text from Tucker. It seemed he had impeccable timing by asking her to join him for coffee in half an hour. She took her phone and replied with a simple 'yes' and 'looking forward to it'. She returned the phone to her desk, and once again found herself immediately lost in thoughts of the future when it came to Barba and herself.

Only one question seemed to continuously haunt her. Why was she so focused on Barba? ADA's had come and gone, and although it had been difficult, everyone moved on from it. Why was Barba any different?

 

* * *

 

 

Twenty-five minutes later, Olivia was sitting in a small restaurant waiting for Tucker to arrive. Her hands were clutched together in front of her on the table as she stared ahead of her blankly. She gazed at the people rushing across the streets, wondering what their lives were like. A few second later she caught side of Tucker crossing the street and she put an immediate smile on her face.

She felt somewhat lighter when Tucker walked through the door and came her way. She rose from her chair and embraced him when he was in front of her. As she pulled away, he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

They sat down at the same time as Tucker signaled for the waitress. ''It's good to see you.'' he said. ''I missed you last night.''

Olivia almost felt herself choke as he mentioned the night before. If only if she could lose the memory of it forever. Life, everything, would be much easier for her then. ''I missed you too.'' she mumbled gently. ''What are you having?'' she asked, turning the conversation into a different direction immediately.

''Just a coffee.'' he replied.

After they ordered coffee, they easily fell into light and pleasant conversation. They spoke of work, Noah, date plans, and even the weather was discussed for a moment. Conversation between them flowed easily, and Olivia treasured that. From the moment they had started dating, their relationship had been uncomplicated. That was unless work interfered. The townhouse incident shook up a lot for them both. It reaffirmed that life was short, and not too long after they had both expressed how deeply they cared for one another. And then, through the accusations against Tucker, their trust in one another had been unwavering. Their relationship was solid. Yet lately Olivia found herself wondering if she was truly happy.

''Oh, and I heard a rumor that Barba is returning to his former position.'' he suddenly informed her, not seeing the expression on her face change immediately. ''Is that true?''

Instantaneously, the tension returned to her body and she found herself clutching the empty mug in front of her. ''Yeah,'' she confirmed absentmindedly. ''He was offered a promotion in Brooklyn.''

''Good for him then.'' he said happily.

It sounded almost too happy for Olivia's liking. She suddenly found herself growing more frustrated and angry. Frustrated at Tucker for acting as if Barba was any other ADA she had worked with. And angry at Barba, and even Dodds. It seemed like the entire world angered her that day. But mostly Barba. He had dropped a bomb on her, and she was left to deal with the consequences, which she didn't even recognize. She was confused about her feelings, about all of it. And that fact was ruining her day.

''Are you okay?'' Tucker questioned since she had remained silent and seemed lost in her thoughts.

Her eyes flew up to meet his. ''I guess so. I am just disappointed and upset with the way Barba decided to resign so suddenly.'' she admitted honestly to not run away from her feelings in that moment.

Tucker huffed and shrugged his shoulders. ''There will be other DA's, Liv.'' he insisted. ''Besides, Barba didn't have your back when it counted most.''

''But he had his reasons.'' she said defensively, realizing she may have sounded to passionately about defending Barba. ''I am genuinely hurt by this, Ed.''

''Call him or talk to him.'' Tucker suggested, hoping to help solve her problem. It was apparent to him that Olivia had been hurt by Barba's news.

''It's all going to be fine, Ed.'' she reassured. ''Like you said, there will be other ADA's.'' she said, knowing she was lying.

She found herself staring at Tucker and nodding as he continued to talk about a current case he was dealing with. She heard him speak, but his words quickly faded as her mind was somewhere else completely. It made her feel guilty for not giving him her full attention, but it just wasn't her day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After she'd returned from coffee with Tucker, Olivia knew she had to inform the squad of Barba's shocking departure. She, however, had no idea what to say or how to even start such a conversation.

They were all gathered in her office as she stood behind her desk. She had the faintest suspicion that perhaps some of them knew what was going on. Especially since Tucker and Dodds were already aware of it.

Her eyes traveled amongst her detectives and sergeant. Finn and Rollins stood side by side, waiting for her to speak to them. Carisi was leaning against the wall impatiently, and Dodds looked her straight in the eyes. She assumed he had already learned about the news from his father.

''Some of you may have heard already, but I wanted to inform you personally.'' she began, her voice strong and determined. She had to get through this without showing too much emotion on her part. ''I am not fully aware of the situation, but Barba has resigned effective immediately to take a promotion in Brooklyn.'' she announced.

The room stayed quiet, giving Olivia the opportunity to study their faces closely. Her suspicions about Dodds proved her correct. He was indeed not surprised. But both Rollins and Carisi were shocked. Whereas Finn's expression said the least.

''I realize this unexpected and I hate to see Barba go since he has become such an integral part of our team, and family.'' she expressed gently. ''But we have to continue doing our jobs despite this news.''

Dodds nodded in agreement. ''Of course, Lieutenant.'' he said. He of all people knew Barba the least, but had come to like him. Barba was straightforward, honest, and he did a good job. There wasn't much more he had expected.

Olivia turned to Carisi and Rollins who both seemed at a loss for words, while Finn still remained silent. ''I know we're all going to miss him.'' she acknowledged.

Carisi suddenly stepped forward with a big smile covering his face. ''We should throw him a surprise goodbye part tonight at his favorite bar.'' he proposed.

''That's a good idea.'' Rollins agreed. ''Can we make the arrangements now?'' she asked Olivia.

She nodded. ''Sure, go ahead. But don't take longer than an hour.'' she ordered. ''We may not have any new leads in the case, but I still want all hands on deck. Rollins, Carisi, take care of the party. Dodds, I would like you to speak to Sara again and go over her statement again to see if her story is the same.'' she continued on. Not long after, the three of them walked out of her office.

''I'll check in with the other two victims.'' Finn offered.

''Let me know what happens.'' Olivia said as she watched him leave her office.

She dropped down in her chair, surprised at how they had taken the news. It seemed that she had been most blindsided by Barba's resignation. But she realized this was most likely because she had always been closest to him. She worked with him the most on cases, and saw him more often than anyone else. Adding in their tradition of after work drinks, made them even closer.

And in that moment, she found herself putting aside her confusion, and wondering what her world would be like without Rafael Barba in it. She thought about it, and that world looked a lot less brighter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start off with apologizing for the long wait for this chapter. I feel incredibly guilty about it, and I hope this chapter makes up for it at least a little. 
> 
> Now that summer holiday has officially started for me, I hope to update more frequently.  
> Thanks to everyone who has read this story. You guys are the best!

That same morning, Barba had handed in his resignation the moment his boss walked into the office. It had finally become official. He was leaving the New York DA’s office. As he had said the words out loud to his boss, he felt both relieved and dejected. Everything since that moment had been a blur.

He had been in and out of meetings all day to handle his departure and to ensure that the ADA replacing him would be capable of taking his cases to court. It felt likes ages as they went through each and every case he was working on. He took it step by step, often finding his thoughts drifting to many different places. But what he remained stuck on was whether he had made the right choice in revealing his feelings to Olivia. She hadn’t given him anything in return after all. So the prospects of her returning his feelings were slim. And even though he was leaving to put himself back together, and attempt to rebuild his life, he feared that Olivia Benson would haunt him until the day he died.

Ever since first laying eyes on her, his world had changed. She was so different from everyone else. Well, in his eyes she was. He sensed that she was real. Real in a way he couldn’t avoid. She was good, and kind, and incredibly compassionate. It were those qualities that made him want to be a better man. And as time passed by, he found himself wondering what Olivia would think of his actions, so he began to soften towards the outside world. He became more passionate about justice for the victims, instead of just winning another case. Winning cases finally meant something after meeting her.

From the moment he realized he was absolutely in love with her, nothing had been the same. It was the moment he heard that Olivia had fallen into the hands of Lewis. When he received the phone call from Nick, his phone had dropped from his hand and his world seemed to collapse. He had been more distraught and desperate than any other time in his life. Imagining his life without her in it had not been an option. It was then that he realized he was in love with her. But he had buried those feelings for a long time and continued to deny them, even to himself. Being with her could have grave consequences for both of them so he had continued on the same as before.

And now, the secret was out. He had admitted his feelings in the heat of the moment and Olivia had returned them with more questions and disbelief. Her response made him wish he could take it all back. He could’ve given her many other reasons for resigning. Yet in that moment he wanted to be honest for once. Everything between them in the last months had been rooted in tension and it had weighed heavily on his shoulders.

Which is why he had officially resigned. It was his last day in the office he had come to cherish because of the many memories it held. Mostly he treasured the times he had a late night drink with Olivia on his couch. It were the moments of true solace in his life because they were filled with laughter and admiration. Not only was he leaving that behind, but also the detectives who had truly become his friends. Working through the horrendous cases together had made them a solid team. He even considered them to be family.

He glanced around the office as he sat down in the comfortable chair behind the desk. All of his case files had been removed. All that was left to do was to gather his personal belongings and take them home. One box had already been packed and for the remainder he’d return early in the following morning so he could directly bring them to Brooklyn.

The thought of returning to his former office gave him mixed emotions. On the one hand he was relieved for his own sake. Perhaps with this new direction he could refocus and move on with his life. But on the other hand, he knew how much he was going to miss not only the DA’s office, but also the squad. He couldn’t imagine not catching a glimpse of Olivia’s deep brown eyes at least once a day. To feel himself calm and at peace by just looking at her. He’d miss that the most. Just seeing her as simple as it was.

He had closed his eyes when the sound of his phone brought him back to reality. He sat up straight in his chair and quickly glanced at the message from Carisi, asking to meet him at his favorite bar in two hours. He immediately realized that the younger detective had received the news and most likely wanted to say goodbye over drinks. So he sent a confirmation back to him since he had nothing else to do but sulk in his apartment all night and rethinking his choice.

He left the office a few minutes later, realizing that the following morning would be the last time in a place where he had seen himself stay for the foreseeable future. He took the first box with his belongings with him, and felt the sadness settle into the pit of his stomach as he walked out of the courthouse with it. He kept his head held high as he slowly stepped down the courthouse steps and got into a cab to get back to his apartment before joining Carisi at the bar.

 

* * *

 

 

As Barba strode into the bar, the crowd of people was the last thing he expected. It were all familiar faces. Dozens of people from the precinct, and his colleagues at the DA’s office. He caught sight of Carisi, Rollins and Fin immediately. Behind them stood Dodds Jr and Chief Dodds, who surprisingly to him, had come to whatever the situation was supposed to be.

He approached his friends and stopped right before them. ‘’Hey,’’ he greeted kindly. ‘’Not that I’m not grateful for this, but what were you thinking?’’ he asked them all, looking each of them in the eyes.

Carisi patted his shoulder. ‘’We wanted to give you a proper send-off, Barba. You deserve it.’’

He nodded, not wanting to cause them any disappointment. A party was the last thing he needed, but spending some time with his friends was not a wrong idea. So he ordered his favorite scotch and joined in the conversation.

With the scotch in one hand he was seated on a bar stool, he found himself searching for Olivia but couldn’t find her in the crowd. She was obviously not joining the goodbye party, and he could only suspect it was because of his confession the day before. The thought broke his heart.  

Rollins noticed that Barba continued to glance around aimlessly, as if looking for someone who was missing. She stepped closer to him and stopped in front of him. ‘’Who are you looking for?’’

‘’No one.’’ he responded immediately. He was ashamed that Rollins had noticed his absent behavior that quickly. So he looked her straight in the eyes. ‘’Just looking to see if Liv is here.’’

Rollins shook her head. ‘’Tucker picked her up from work to go out on a date so I suspect she’s spending the rest of the evening with him.’’ she told him, oblivious to the change in Barba’s eyes.

The words felt like a punch to the face. Of course he had no right to suspect her to be there. But just thinking of all they’d been through, he had at least hoped for a proper goodbye. One that would give them both some form of closure after all the sudden events of the past day. To be honest, he had at least expected that from her.

Suddenly, he put his glass down on the bar and rose from the stool. ‘’I’m going to get some fresh air.’’ he said to Rollins as she looked at him questioningly.

He rushed out of the bar and onto the street where he was able to get a moment to work through his emotions without being watched. He put one hand through his hair, hearing the sound of familiar footsteps coming up from behind him. He knew that sound. He knew those footsteps by heart. He turned around, his heart beating much faster as he laid his eyes on her. ‘’Liv.’’ he breathed out into the cold air.

Olivia felt incredibly tense, finding herself standing in the middle of the street before him. She had no clue was she could say to him. There were no words to describe her feelings since she had no idea how she felt. Everything was moving too fast for her to decide what to do. It was too much all at once, and she found herself getting lost. Lost in her own thoughts. Lost in her emotions.

‘’Hi.’’ she whispered gently. It was the only thing she could come up with in the moment. She saw his lips form into a small curve for just a second. ‘’Barba, I don’t know what to say.’’ she said as she took another step toward him.

When she was closer, he could see her struggle was real. Her face reflected the same sadness and confusion he endured. It was painful. If only he had remained silent. He would’ve spared them both this mess. ‘’I should’ve never said anything.’’ he told her.

Olivia shook her head. ‘’Barba, don’t!’’ she whispered painfully. ‘’You were just being honest with me.’’ she reminded him, knowing she couldn’t stand him lying to her for any reason. ‘’I just don’t know what to do. You’re one of my best friends.’’

He closed the distance between them, his eyes narrowing a her words. His hand rose up to cup her cheek lovingly. The intimacy of the simple touch set his skin on fire. He was surprised at the breath coming from her, given their circumstances. What he felt for her was surreal. He held his hand there for a moment longer as he watched Olivia closer her eyes and cover his hand with one of her own. ‘’Tell me this isn’t real! Tell me I am wrong about this!’’ he said as her opened again and stared right back into his.

His hand on her face felt hot for some unknown reason. So she closed her eyes at the gentle caress of his hand on her cheek, continuing to press her own hand upon his.

They held the same position for just a moment longer. Olivia was knowingly throwing caution to the wind until common sense washed over her. This was wrong. And with that thought she withdrew both their hands from her face. ‘’I’m with Ed now, Barba.’’ she said. ‘’I can’t be doing this. I’m sorry.’’

‘’It’s okay. I understand.’’ he spoke out and then he turned back around, ready to walk back into the bar. But he stopped, and stood there with Olivia right behind him, and he turned back around. ‘’All I want is for you to be happy, Liv!’’

With those last words, Olivia stared at him as he walked away from her. She didn’t move at all as he disappeared into the bar. She didn’t know what to feel or how to feel it. It was most certainly not the goodbye she expected to have with him, but she realized more for them was now impossible. Barba was clear about his feelings, whereas she had no idea where she was at with her emotions.

She moved forward, into the direction of the bar. She froze when she caught another glimpse of Barba through the window. He was in a conversation with both of the Dodds’ and she just kept standing there, watching as if saying goodbye to him in her own way. ‘’Be happy, Rafael.’’ she whispered, and then she turned on her heels and began to walk down the street, not knowing if she’d ever see him again.

     

* * *

                                                     

The following morning, Barba stood in the middle of his office, ignorant of the fact that his phone was buzzing on his desk. He was taking in his surroundings, burning it all into his mind. Memories came rushing back once more. It was his way of saying goodbye to this chapter in his life. Once he felt he was ready, he turned around and walked over to his desk, seeing a notification of a voicemail on his phone’s screen. He picked up the phone, put the phone to his ear and listened to the message. When he heard Olivia’s voice, he leaned on the edge of his desk for support, taken aback by the emotion in her voice.

 _‘’Hey it’s me.’’_ the message began. _‘’Look, I hate to do this after last night, but I…uhh. I don’t want last night to be the last time that I’m ever going to see you again, Barba.’’_ she went on. He could hear that she was on the verge of crying just by the shakiness of her voice. _‘’I’ll always be here for you. I need…’’_

The message came to an abrupt end as if she was forced to end it there. More than anything he wanted to pick up his phone and call her back. To pretend nothing was wrong. But he couldn’t. It was too late. There was nothing left to say.

With that, he turned to his desk, and picked up the box, his eyes falling upon the name plate with _ADA Rafael Barba_ written across it. His time at this particular office had come to its official end as he walked out of the building and onto the street. He turned around one last time, his heart breaking more than it already had.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am back with another chapter. This chapter is centered around the season 17 finale, but I changed details of the episode for my story. This chapter is mostly a filler to get into the next part of my story. And I should also say the angst will not stop with this chapter. It will probably be another two chapters before things will start to clear up, but I promise all will get better.   
> I am so incredibly grateful for all the kudos! Thank you all so much! I won’t stop saying it, but it means everything to me.

For three months life had been relatively good for Olivia. But then hell came raining down on them in the form of an especially tough case. Just when life had settled down for her. She had found calmness after the storm, and was genuinely happy with her life. Work, of course, posed a struggle from time to time. Many horrendous cases had crossed their desks after Barba's departure. And after meeting the new female ADA, Olivia compared her to Barba every chance she got. It turned out that she liked Barba so much better. Not only did he fit in better, but he was more open about what he needed. Because being Barba meant being blunt and honest, and she missed that now more than anything. Everyone else seemed to be handling the change in ADA's much better than her, even though she did not show it.

But these specific circumstances changed the pace at which life had been going. It had her on her feet in seconds as she scrambled to get her gun and badge, ignoring everyone in the squad room as she rushed past them. Dodds was being held hostage by Munson and Carisi had just walked out the door before it happened.

In the following minutes, everything was a blur. One moment she was storming out of the squad room with Rollins following her out. And then the next moment she was racing through traffic to get to her people, hoping that no one had gotten hurt or would get hurt.

Life had been too kind, she guessed. Of course this would happen when everything seemed to have settled down somewhat. Yes, the case had caused an uproar in the NYPD because the DA was bringing Munson to trial, but they had enough evidence to convict him, most certainly for life. And the last thing left to do that day was to help Mrs. Munson and her kids get away from her husband. The simplest task had gone irreversibly wrong, and she hoped that everyone would get out safely.

She gazed to her side for a few seconds and noticed that Rollins had her hands clenched together and stared outside blankly. Holding out for hope was the only possibility in such situations. But Olivia knew everyone had endured too much over the past few years. They deserved some good in their lives, and not more possibilities of someone they cared for dying. It wasn't fair, and she wished more than anything that she could protect her squad from the tragedy of their jobs.

They reached the scene fifteen minutes later, which was crawling with officers and an ambulance standing by if so required. But a pacing Chief Dodds caught Olivia's eyes first. It made her jump from her car, and rush towards him. She could see him holding it together, but barely.

''Dodds,'' Olivia called out, still going into his direction. Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks at the sound of gunshots emanating from the house. She whirled around and along with Dodds and Rollins, ran towards the house.

ESU was assembled in front of the door, and entered the house immediately with Olivia right behind them. They entered the living room and were confronted with the sight of both Dodds and Munson incapacitated.

The few minutes passed by in slow motion as Olivia was at Dodds' side along with his father, trying to keep him awake while paramedics rushed to stabilize him for transport to the hospital. But from the two gunshots to his body, she knew his chances of survival were slim. He was already barely holding on as Olivia watched Chief Dodds plead with his son to hang on, to stay with him. To simply live.

Then his eyes closed and he stopped breathing, causing Olivia to hold Chief Dodds back as the paramedics worked hard to resuscitate him. She held onto the man who was completely falling apart next to her, tears streaming down his face as she held onto his arm tightly.

Olivia herself didn't grasp completely what was happening in front of her. She was busy comforting Dodds and keeping him standing. Her eyes flew up to meet those of Rollins and Carisi, both filled with fear.

The reality hit her when the paramedics stopped performing CPR and exchanged a saddened expression with her. He didn't make it. He had just died in front of them. And she stood by as Chief Dodds fell to his knees next to his son and held him in his arms, speaking to him and begging him to open his eyes.

She took a step forward, kneeling down next to him and putting her hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently. There was nothing more she could do. She only fought to keep herself together for the sake of everyone else, even though she was losing it on the inside. One of their own had died saving a family. Dodds had died a hero, but it didn't erase any of the pain. It wouldn't lessen the tragedy of his death. Especially not to his family.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Barba received the call only hours later after the tragic news of Dodds' death began spreading, and he had sat down behind his desk, listening to Carisi explaining the situation to him. It was tragic.

From Carisi's voice resonated sadness and extreme hurt and Barba wished more than anything that the situation could be reversed. And in a way he wished he'd been there. That he'd never left so he could help his friends pick up the broken pieces. More than anything he wanted to know how Olivia was dealing with the sudden death of the sergeant, but he refrained from asking for many reasons. Instead, he listened to Carisi and spoke to him, letting him know none of it was his fault. The only man responsible was Munson, who was now in prison awaiting trial for the murder of Dodds Jr and dozens of other counts. He'd spent the rest of his life behind bars.

But out of everyone, Barba knew that a prison sentence didn't always ensure closure for the families. Often wounds and remained and could never be healed. The death of someone he knew, someone he cared for, only made him wish he never left. Then he would've had the chance to prosecute Munson himself for what he'd done.

And the idea remained with Barba as he gazed blankly around him. He missed his old life. Brooklyn wasn't a bad place to work and he still did a lot of good. But working with SVU had changed his life forever. It made him question why he hadn't fought harder and stuck around, even though times got more difficult. He was now wondering if he had given up too soon, and walked out on the only people that mattered most to him.

Those thoughts raced through his head and made him pick up the phone to call the New York DA. After a few rings the phone was answered and he was being connected with his former boss. He never believed he'd be asking for his old job back, or to at least deal with one case on behalf of SVU. He felt he owed Dodds that much. He wanted to put Munson away himself, and make him pay. He knew he could.

As their phone conversation wore on Barba was baffled when he was actually asked to return to his former position. Apparently the ADA who took his position had decided to move to California. It was an offer, maybe even a chance, that he never thought he'd have again. But it turned out they had valued Barba more than he ever thought. So now he was once again in a tough spot. He'd already agreed to represent the State in the trial of Munson, but now he had another major decision to make.

Could he actually return after three months? What about Olivia? There were too many questions to answer, and he needed time to consider each of them. Last time he'd jumped at a chance to spare himself more heartache, which eventually had let too much more heartache than expected. Returning would be both good and hard. For now he decided to put off the decision. There were more pressing matters to be concerned with.

 

 

* * *

 

Two days later, everyone was saying their officials goodbyes to Sergeant Dodds. The mood at the funeral was filled with sorrow and grief. Whereas the mood at the wake was much different. Everyone was celebrating a wonderful life lived, and the heroism which Dodds had portrayed until he took his last breath.

People were scattered around the bar. Rollins, Fin, Tucker and Olivia were remembering Dodds in a good light. While Carisi and Barba sat at the other end of the bar together, catching up on everything that had transpired in the past three months. He had kept his distance for many reasons, and even as he sat in the bar with many familiar faces, he continued to do the same.

He'd caught glimpses of Olivia, together with Tucker. Each time he looked at her, he had to force himself to look away. He couldn't stand to see them together. He thought more than anything that things should've become easier since three months had passed, but that wasn't the case for him. Seeing her was the same as before. And now it only made him realize how much he'd missed her. How much he wanted to be with her.

Although his feelings had remained the same, his life had changed over the past three months. Some of those changes had been terrifying, and unexpected. He had been receiving threats for months, but since his transfer that had turned into actual death threats. Once they increased and he was being threatened in person he decided to inform Carisi only two weeks earlier. He had realized the threats were serious. But at the same time he had insisted that Carisi didn't inform anyone else. He wanted it to remain private, and to not burden other people with his problems.

''Just so you know, Heredio hasn't been arrested yet for threatening you, but I had units posted in front of his house.'' Carisi told Barba, noticing his mind was drifting elsewhere.

He nodded gratefully. ''Thanks.'' he said. ''But I'm not worried. Not in here.'' he expressed, looking around the bar filled with NYPD.

On the other side of the bar, Olivia had been speaking to Chief Dodds, listening to childhood stories about his son. She could feel his immense grief, and she knew that it would never fully fade. She could only hope that time would heal those wounds, and not only for him, but for her team as well.

At the thought of her squad, she gazed at her people. Her eyes landed on Carisi, whom she knew still felt guilty about what happened, but it wasn't his fault. The only person to blame was Gary Munson.

As she continued to gaze into the same direction, her eyes met those of Barba. It caused the nerves to settle in her stomach, almost butterflies for some unknown reason. She hadn't spoken to him at all, given the circumstances. But seeing him again felt much better than she could've imagined. She was happy to see he felt comfortable enough to be around them. She just hated that it had to be under these circumstances.

She got onto her feet and approached the bar, never breaking her eye contact with Barba. She continued to gaze into his eyes as if it was the only thing keeping her alive, until she reached him. Once she did, she stepped next to him and Carisi, clearing her throat. ''Barba, could we speak in private for a moment?''

Barba was both surprised and tense at the sentiment she expressed with her eyes. ''Of course.'' he agreed. ''Lead the way.'' he went on, nodding for her to find a proper place where they could have a private moment.

She walked ahead of him, going into the direction of the small hallway, leading to the exit of the bar. She held the door opened for Barba and turned around so she could face him once he closed it behind him. The closing of the door drowned out all of the voices.

She leaned against the wall next to her, not knowing how to act around him. ''Hey,'' she whispered kindly. ''How have you been?''

He noted her uncomfortableness immediately. ''I've been okay. And you? How are you dealing with all of this?''

''It's not easy. I am worried about Carisi and how he's handling it.'' she answered. ''And of course, the rest of the squad. I wish I could protect them from things like this, but I can't.''

Barba nodded in return, letting a silence fall between them. He wished he could pour his heart out to her, and that she'd do the same. But it was obvious that she continuously distanced herself from him. Even in private moments. It made him wonder why.

''Amanda told me that you're handling the Munson trial.'' Olivia suddenly said, referring to their newest ADA. She had heard from her that Barba had offered to handle the case for them.

''Yes, I am.'' he confirmed.

Olivia averted her eyes to the floor as the tension continued to reach and unbearable level. ''I'm happy you're the one dealing with the case. It means a lot to everyone, even Chief Dodds. He may not show it, but he knows you're the best.''

''Munson will go to prison for life. I'm just waiting to see if he'll take the deal we offered or if he wants to go to trial. But no matter what, he'll never get out. I promise that.'' he told her confidently. If he was confident about anything, it were his skills as a lawyer. Those had never failed him. But his wit and sass seemed to have disappeared around Olivia since things became complicated between them.

''Are you coming back?'' she asked out of the blue, shocking even herself with the blunt question.

''I might.'' he replied honestly. ''The DA asked me, but I am still thinking about it. Things haven't exactly been…easy…'' he whispered.

She took a step towards him, moving away from the wall. ''I want you to come back.'' Olivia stated firmly.

His expression turned into one of pain instantly. ''Liv, don't!'' he warned her, ready to turn away from her just in case.

''Barba, please stay. Hear me out.'' she begged him and he did turn back around. The look in his eyes melted her insides. His gaze was filled with such love, she wondered why she hadn't seen it before. ''I thought about you every single day and I missed you so much.'' she admitted. ''We finally have a chance to start over.''

He knew where this was going. It had happened ever since he told her he loved her. He'd be honest about his feelings, and Olivia would avoid her own and walk away. ''Start over?'' he questioned. ''We can't start over, Liv.'' he breathed out, not knowing how to explain it to her anymore. Seeing her, broke him each time, knowing she'd never be his. ''All you wanted was to be friends, and all I wanted was you. How do you want to handle that?''

''I don't know, honestly.'' she said. ''Give me some time to work through this, Rafael. I realize it has been three months since we last spoke, but if there's one thing I know it's that I need you in my life.'' she continued on, knowing she was vocalizing her feelings for him for the first time in a long time. ''Give me a chance. Please!''

He stared right at her with an unwavering gaze. She wondered if he was trying to tell her something, or if perhaps he was suddenly angry at her. So she stared back at him, waiting for him to say anything. She felt her stomach tighten because of the nerves as the tension rose even more, leading to it to become awkward even.

''Liv, I want to come back more than anything. It's all I have imagined.'' he told her. ''So call me when you know what it is you want. I'll wait.'' he promised her.

It was the last response she expected. She should've been exhausted and devastated, yet she found herself holding onto what little hope life had left to offer. She could see it in his eyes. His promise was real.

She nodded, her hand reaching for his, and for just a second her fingers grazed his gently. As soon as the door opened, she pulled back, watching as Barba exited the bar.

She leaned against the wall, her head spinning. Just the simplest touch sent her heart racing. If she was honest with herself, she knew that distancing herself from Barba was all about protecting both of their feelings. She didn't trust herself in relationships. Didn't trust herself to maintain professional boundaries if she had remained close to him, even though those boundaries had been lacking for years. And now she had to confront herself about so many truths to finally make a real choice. Dodds' death had reminded her that life was short. Too short to waste it. Which led her to believe she needed answer one question. Did she love Barba?

Before she could answer the question, she heard the familiar sound of a gunshot ringing in the air. It was distant, but close enough for her to recognize it.

She walked out the door, hearing Carisi call out to her from behind. She turned around trying to identify where the shot orginated.

''Lieutenant, over there!'' Carisi yelled, his hand pointing across the street.

Olivia caught side of what Carisi was pointing at, and she felt her world come crashing down.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am happy to be back with a new update. And as always, thank you all for reading and leaving kudos and comments!

From her position she saw a person laying on the pavement, not moving. A person whom looked too much like Barba. She knew it was him. And as soon as she noticed him, she came into action, as if she no longer had any control over her body.

''Carisi, call 911!'' she ordered, as she was moving away from him.

She crossed the street, not paying attention to traffic as she just barely managed to avoid a car from hitting her. When she reached the pavement, she fell onto her knees beside him, her entire body shaking as she quickly took in his wounds.

''God, Barba. No no no!'' she said, the tears forming in her eyes. She pressed her hands onto the wound above his chest, close to his shoulder. But the harder she pressed, the more blood seeped through her fingers, which were trembling. ''Barba, come on! Open your eyes for me!'' she yelled. ''Rafael!''

There was no response, so she pressed one finger against his neck checking for his pulse. She breathed in deeply when she felt a faint pressure below her finger. She continued to keep pressure on the gunshot wound, as she cupped his face with her other hand. The blood stuck to her fingers but she ignored it. Her only concern was for him. ''Hang on! Come on, do it for me.'' she whispered as the tears streamed down her face. ''Please!'' she cried out.

She held her hands over his wound as Carisi knelt down on the other side of Barba, looking her in the eye with the same panic she felt. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not after Dodds. And especially not to Barba.

''Where is the damn ambulance?!'' she yelled in a panic, ignorant of the people who were watching as Olivia and Carisi tended to Barba, trying to wake him up.

''Dammit, Counselor!'' Carisi cursed under his breath. ''Open your eyes!''

Tears streamed down her face as she hovered above him. His state shocked her to the very core. He was bleeding out and there was nothing she could do. ''Come on, come on, come on.'' she cried desperately.

Far away, she heard sirens coming closer and closer. She looked over her shoulder, connecting her eyes with those of Tucker who stared back at her with an unidentifiable expression. But she ignored it, not wanting to spend a moment on unraveling his thoughts. Instead, she looked to Carisi. ''Carisi, make sure there is a clear path for the ambulance.''

She whirled her head back around when she heard a loud gasp coming from Barba. She pulled him up carefully, bringing him into her embrace, holding onto him for dear life.

It was bad. He knew. He could tell because he felt numb. But mostly cold. So very cold. So cold it didn't even hurt. He had always expected it would hurt much more. But all he felt was Olivia's arms wrapped around him. ''Liv…'' he breathed out with difficulty. He was fighting desperately to get air into his lungs.

''Rafael, stay with me. Please!'' she repeated, but this time it mattered that much more. He was awake. He could hear her.

And he tried. He clung desperately to her voice. To her. ''Liv.'' he said again.

She didn't move. Instead, she held onto him. Held him in her arms as he kept whispering her name for some reason. ''I'm here.'' she whispered back. ''I'm always going to be here.''

He loved hearing her voice. Loved saying her name. And as he felt his body continue to slip away from him, he realized how many more times he wanted to say it. _Liv_. He couldn't die before being with her at least a day. It would be such a waste of life, and of time. Time mostly.

''The ambulance is close, Barba.'' she told him, feeling him slip away in her arms.

''Liv,'' he managed to blurt out one more time. ''Liv…''

''Rafael, please hold on!'' she whispered one last time.

He felt her breathing against the side of his face. He felt that one last moment, before he felt nothing. Not anything. And then his eyes closed.

Olivia gently put him back down as he went limp in her arms. Her one hand continued to cover the wound, the amount of blood actually horrifying her. ''Come on! Don't do this!'' she cried out. ''There's so much I have to say.'' she whispered softly as she hovered above him.

Her surroundings had been completely drowned out. She realized this when two strong arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her away from Barba forcefully. She instantly struggled against the tight grip around her body, only to turn around and see it was Tucker keeping her away from Barba as the paramedics were moving Barba onto a gurney.

She yanked one arm from his grasp angrily. ''Ed, let me go!'' she ordered, but he continued to hold her back.

''Liv, you need to calm down and let them do their jobs.'' he whispered, trying to keep her calm if that was possible. It seemed impossible. He'd never seen her that way. In tears. It was all new to him, and he realized it was only because Barba was involved. He wasn't blind after all.

For a moment she ignored him, watching as Carisi got into the ambulance with Barba and shot her a look of concern. In response, she nodded back and then the doors of the ambulance closed. She took a single moment to contain herself, to think of what to do next. Her mind was already a thousand steps ahead, and she knew she had to calm herself down to survive this. The city was dark, the cold and evening settling in, as the lives of SVU were about to change, perhaps forever.

And all her mind screamed was, Barba. Barba. Barba. She could see his smile, hear his witty remarks. She couldn't deal with never seeing him smile again or passing a sassy sentence and waiting for her to respond. Just like they day she'd first met him. She could not lose that spark in her life, even though in a way she already had when he left the DA's office. But this was different. This was life and death. She could not lose this man. She refused to. It was no option.

With renewed determination, she turned around to face Rollins and Fin. ''Rollins, I need you in charge of the crime scene. Fin, make sure that TARU gives us footage from the street cameras.'' she ordered. ''I'll join Carisi at the hospital. I want this guy caught yesterday.'' she added in a rush. ''And keep me updated!''

She left them behind without another word, crossing the street into the direction of her car. She jumped inside, her hands gripping the steering wheel as she fought with all her strength to keep herself from falling apart. And somehow she found it. She closed her eyes, opened them again, and felt her breathing slowing down slightly.

She had to get to the hospital in one piece. So she raced through traffic, getting across the city to the hospital where one of her nightmares had come true. Her phone started ringing in her pocket non-stop, and she knew it was most likely someone from NYPD checking in with her. But in that moment she had no time to answer questions. Her only concern was for Barba. She could not deal with anything else.

 

* * *

 

 

It took her another ten minutes to reach the hospital. But once she was inside she quickly made her way into the emergency room. She stopped in front of the nurses' station and held up her badge.

''Lieutenant Benson.'' she announced. ''I am looking for a patient who has just come in with a gunshot wound. His name is Rafael Barba.'' she rambled on, but the nurse in front of her seemed more focused on the charts in front of her.

She leaned over, holding the badge in front of her eyes. It seemed that the situation had removed any politeness from her personality. ''Rafael Barba! Where is he?''

''Ma'am, are you family?'' the nurse asked.

''No, but I am with NYPD. Lieutenant Benson.'' she repeated, angry at the ignorance of the woman in front of her.

''The doctors are attempting to stabilize him as we speak, Lieutenant. However, I cannot let you into the room.''

She whirled around, ready to find more out on her own. But as soon as she reached the empty hallway on the left, she felt her legs go weak. She leaned against the nearest wall with her back, her hands covering her eyes as the tears began welling up.

It all happened too soon, too fast. One moment life was good, and then the next, her world came crushing down and she finally realized why. She couldn't lose Barba. He meant too much to her. What he meant exactly, she didn't know. But she now realized what Barba truly meant to her.

And in that moment, she was just lost. Lost in her regret and self-blame at how she treated him before he resigned. It couldn't be the last time she ever spoke to him again. It just couldn't be. He had to survive this. Not only did she need him to, but the squad did as well. He had made an impact on everyone's lives, and losing him would scar them all.

While leaning against the wall, she caught side of Carisi, pacing the hallway. She immediately pulled herself together and ran towards him, knowing he most likely knew if Barba was still holding on.

She came to a halt in front of him, breathlessly. ''Carisi, how is he?''

''I don't know.'' he revealed anxiously. ''They wouldn't let me go into the room with him.''

''How bad is it?'' she asked desperately, detecting from his voice that Barba's condition was bad. Really bad. Especially because she watched him look at the floor before returning his gaze to her.

''It's not good.'' he told her. ''He never regained consciousness in the ambulance.''

Her state of mind had gone from panic mode to absolute horror in just a matter of seconds. He was obviously in bad shape, and she felt herself go numb completely.

Barba had been shot. The man who'd brought justice to so many lives was now in the hospital with a bullet hole. It was horrifying, it was unfair. It was all too much.

In silence she retreated to the waiting area which she had passed by too many times while on cases. And now she was one of the nervous people waiting on news about their loved ones. She dropped down in a chair, hovering with her elbows on her knees. She cradled her head in her hands, her hair falling in front of her face.

Carisi had joined Olivia in the waiting room, still pacing around. His head was filled with doubts, and he couldn't take it. First Dodds, and now Barba. ''This is all my fault.'' he blurted out. ''I should've done more. I should have…'' he stopped when he stared Olivia down, her expression turning into one of concern for him.

She rose from her chair, looking through her puffy eyes at Carisi in a state in which she'd never seen him before. ''No one is to blame for this, Carisi. This isn't your fault.'' she reassured.

He shook his head. ''I was supposed to tell you this days ago, but then Dodds died and I wanted to wait until everyone was settled again.'' he rambled on, and stopping when Olivia held up her hand.

''Tell me what?''

''Barba has been getting death threats for months.'' he told her nervously. ''He was also threatened in person by Felipe Heredio, the BX9 member. I put units to on his house so they could arrest him…but…''

Her first instinct was to give him a speech about protocol, but she refrained from it. Everyone was too concerned with other problems. She understood why he hadn't told her yet. She only wished she had known. Maybe then Barba wouldn't have been shot, if the shooting was related to the threats. ''We'll talk about this later!'' she said. ''I need you to inform Rollins and Fin about this, and get everyone on locating Heredio. I will keep you updated!'' she told him.

Carisi was walking away, when Olivia stopped him. ''And this is not your fault, Carisi.'' she promised him. ''The only person to blame is the one who shot Barba.''

''Thanks, Lieutenant.'' he said before taking off.

Olivia dropped back down in the chair. Time began to pass by slowly as the waiting room began to fill with officers. All waiting for news about Barba. At some point even Tucker had joined her in the room and sat beside her, but Olivia hadn't really noticed. Her eyes were focused on the floor as her mind began replaying the moments she had shared with Barba. It was the only thing she could cling to in that moment, so she didn't stop thinking about him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next installment of this story. I hope you all will enjoy it.
> 
> Honestly, the reviews/comments/kudos continue to amaze me. I am so happy that people enjoy reading this story. It just makes my day. So a very big thank you to all of you!

The waiting was killing her. Holding on for hope became exhausting. Being in the dark about whether Barba was alive or not felt all kinds of wrong. Everything, all that had just happened, it changed everything for her.

It put her life back into reality and made her realize what had been right in front of her the entire time. She had been so blind and it had taken her too long to realize that. She felt so incredibly guilty that it took him getting shot to realize that she loved him. That she had loved him for so long and had denied it for her own sake and his. She had been so ignorant.

Her thoughts came to an abrupt end when she heard Chief Dodds asking a surgeon if there was any news about Barba. At first, she was surprised to see him at the hospital. His son had just died after all, but it meant he cared like everyone else.

''Doctor, how is Mr. Barba?'' Dodds asked impatiently. ''Can someone go see him?''

The surgeon approached Dodds and stopped in front of him. ''Sir, I am sorry but the doctors are stabilizing him and prepping him for surgery.'' he responded.

Dodds blocked his path. ''We need some news.'' he said firmly, pointing to all of the people behind him.

''I can only allow one person in the room.'' the surgeon said.

Olivia had paid close attention to the conversation and it left her feeling worse. There was no definite news about whether he would make it. She needed something more.

She felt a hand gently squeeze her shoulder, and she looked to her side seeing it was Tucker. She gazed at him through her puffy eyes.

''You should go!'' he insisted as he rose from the chair. He held his hand out to Olivia to help her out of the chair, noticing the expression of disbelief on her face.

''Ed, it's fine. Someone else can go.'' she said as she turned to him. It wasn't fine, far from it. But she couldn't exactly jump up and offer to go in, in front of the entire room. It would be too obvious.

''Go, Liv.'' he said, his voice gentle and soft. ''It's alright. You need this more than anyone else.''

She faced away from Tucker and nodded at the surgeon. She followed him out of the waiting room where no one questioned her about seeing Barba. She walked at a quick pace, needing to know more. And with a few more steps they reached a trauma room where she noticed doctors administering meds and rushing around Barba, with loud voices. Half of the words she couldn't understand.

Mostly because what she saw, wasn't what she had hoped. Barba was extremely pale and she barely recognized him. The clothes had been torn from his upper body and the gunshot wound seemed worse than before. His eyes were closed and he looked terrifying. It was a picture she never wished to see.

She was so caught up in the moment that she was startled when the doctors suddenly began to move him out of the room and into the hallway.

''Is he going to be okay?'' she asked desperately, following them.

''We don't know.'' one of the doctors responded. ''He has lost a lot of blood so we are going into the OR to stop the bleeding and try to repair the damage.''

''It's going to be major surgery.'' a male voice added. ''We will keep you updated, but you need to stay back here.''

She stopped in her tracks, her eyes following the bed as they rushed from her side. She stood frozen in the middle of the hallway, still completely lost and dazed. Her eyes fell upon a clock and she suddenly came to realize it had only been fifteen minutes since she arrived at the hospital, yet it felt like hours.

''Fifteen minutes.'' she whispered inaudibly. ''Fifteen minutes.'' she mumbled again, not moving.

She heard footsteps behind her so she took a deep breath, and then turned around when she felt remotely ready. On the inside, she was completely falling apart but she didn't intend to show it. She couldn't for obvious reasons.

She came face to face with Tucker again who looked at her with concern and sadness. ''Hey,'' she whispered.

''Hi,'' he greeted back, coming to stand next to her, his hand looking for hers. He found it and squeezed it gently, showing her support. ''Liv, I hate to say this but CSU needs your clothes for evidence.'' he informed her. ''I talked to the nurses and they have arranged for a room where you can change and leave behind your clothes.''

She stared down at her black shirt, which fortunately didn't reveal how much blood truly stuck to it. But as she shifted her gaze to her hands, she had to take another deep breath. ''Yeah…yeah…that makes sense.'' she agreed.

''Come on, I'll take you to the room.'' he encouraged with his hand on her shoulder.

She followed him slowly, her surroundings a complete haze. She couldn't even focus on Tucker and explaining her feelings to him. At that moment everything was too much to handle. Especially because she was barely keeping herself together. All she wanted to hear was that Barba would make it. It was all she could focus on.

She stepped into the private room hesitantly, turning around to face him. ''Thanks, Ed.'' she whispered kindly.

''I'm going to pick up Barba's mother.'' he revealed. ''Turns out that no one has contacted her yet, so I thought I'd pick her up and bring her here.''

''That's really kind of you.'' she said unsteadily. ''I'll see you later then.''

When the door closed behind him, she turned to the hospital sweats and began undressing. She carefully put each piece of clothing into the evidence bags, only keeping on her bra and panties. Next she put on the hospital sweats and sat down on the edge the bed, her hands coming to rest next to her. She looked down for a moment and noticed the dried up blood along her skin. She hadn't noticed it before, but now she couldn't stop staring down at her hands.

She immediately rushed into the bathroom, turning on the water. She began washing off the blood with shaking hands as the remnants of blood caused the water to color light red. By adding extra soap and heating up the water, the blood began to fade from her skin.

Although the blood was now gone, she felt completely lost. She turned off the water and stared right at her own reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her expression seemed lifeless. It looked like she had been put through hell, which was almost the case.

Barba was the one who had much more to endure of course. And the situation still seemed surreal to her. She could barely believe what was happening.

She'd been standing in a hospital bathroom, cleaning off his blood. Barba's blood. Something she never wanted to experience. But it had forced her awake, even in her hopeless and disheveled state. Things were clear, and she no longer felt confused about her feelings towards him.

She loved him. She loved him so much it hurt. In never admitting her feelings, she was able to remain distant from him. It was her form of denial, which had now been torn to pieces. And her denial had come at a cost. Barba was that cost. And that she couldn't live with.

She'd seen the signs, heard it in his voice. He always protected her no matter what, even against her own will. Since the moment he walked into her life, he'd been a real friend.

She stared back at her own reflection once more, and didn't like the person she saw. She only ever imagined feeling like this if she'd lost the love of her life. And it only confronted her with the fact that he'd been right next to her all this time.

Slowly, she gathered herself, knowing a difficult time was still ahead for the entire squad. She had to remain strong so she was capable of leading the investigation into Barba's shooting. Whoever had done this had to pay, and she wouldn't stop until that person was behind bars.

She emerged from the room and made her way back towards the waiting room where most people were still waiting to receive any news regarding Barba. Her eyes fell upon Chief Dodds as she approached, while he looked back at her.

''Is there any news yet?'' he asked her.

She shook her head. ''He just went into surgery.'' she said hesitantly. ''It doesn't look good.''

Dodds immediately noticed that something was off about Olivia. In many other stressful situations he'd seen her compartmentalize. She was strong enough to remain focused to do her job. But in that moment he saw something different in her. And despite his own sorrows, he decided to take her out of the waiting room.

They settled into the hallway where he observed her once more. She appeared to be a ghost. Her face was filled with emotions he couldn't describe.

''He'll make it.'' he encouraged. ''He has to make it.'' he muttered under his breath. The loss of his son was crippling to the point where life would never be the same again for him. But adding another loss to that would destroy even more people.

''You should go home, Dodds. Be with your family.'' she tried to tell him, but he instantly shook it off. ''Thank you for being here.''

''Does Barba know?'' he asked bluntly.

Through her watering eyes, she looked up at him bewildered. ''Know what?'' she repeated, not understanding what he meant. His eyes had softened and he threw her a small smile.

He took a step forward, closing some of the distance. ''That you love him.'' he replied with ease. He watched her take a step back, shaking her head at the same time. Her behavior suggested that she had not spoken about it before.

''Why would you say that?'' she said with a hint of fear in her voice.

Dodds shrugged his shoulders at her question. For him it had always been crystal clear that Barba loved Olivia. It had taken time to notice that Olivia had the same feelings. She had been more adapted to hiding it, or most likely, denying it.

''The only people who don't know that you love Barba, are you and Barba.'' he told her with all honesty. ''Olivia listen to me…'' he began, preparing to be shot down by her. But for his surprise she remained silent. ''My son died and I didn't say everything I wanted him to know. I believed there'd be more time, but there wasn't.'' he stopped, his voice faltering because the emotion was getting to him. ''I didn't show him enough how much I loved him. How proud I was of him. And no one should have to go through that.''

The tears were streaming down her cheeks while she stepped forward. She opened her arms and embraced him. The embrace was short but filled with respect and trust. She took a step back, wiping away the tears. ''I'm so sorry about Mike.'' she croaked out. ''He was an amazing man.''

''I know.''

A moment of silence fell between them before Olivia cleared her throat and looked back up at him. ''You're right.'' she admitted. ''I love him.''

''No surprise there.'' he smiled shortly. ''Don't wait another minute to tell him when he makes it.''

''I won't!'' she promised, nodding her head at him.

She stayed back as Dodds turned around and returned to the waiting room while she remained out in the hallway. She let her back come into contact with wall behind her. She leaned back and closed her eyes as flashes of Barba's face appeared before her.

All she needed was for him to make it. He had to survive, and then they could figure it out from there. Together. That was all she wished for. It was the only thing she truly wanted.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter!
> 
> I am still amazed by all of the people reading this story and it makes me so incredibly happy. So thanks to all of you wonderful people out there who are reading this story. It means everything to me.

The agony of waiting wore on for another three long hours. Her eyes had been focused on the door, her heart skipping a beat with each doctor that walked into their direction. Everyone around her was silent, each of them trying to hold it together as they waited for any sign that Barba survived.

From Barba's family only his mother was present. She had exchanged a few glances with the woman, but decided to allow her space. They'd only met once and she felt it wasn't her place to approach her. Besides, she had no idea what Barba had told his mother about their relationship. Especially how much it changed in the past year.

She nearly leaped from her chair when her phone began ringing in her pocket. She rushed from her seat and into the hallway. She looked down at the screen and saw it was Carisi so she accepted the call.

''Carisi, anything yet?'' she asked immediately. If anything would get them through this it would be catching the shooter.

She heard a deep sigh from the other end of the line. _''We have confirmed that Felipe Heredio is the shooter through surveillance footage.''_ Carisi responded quickly. _''The APB has already been issued and TARU is tracking his phone as we speak because we just received the warrant from the judge.''_

''That's good, Carisi.'' she said. She was so grateful that her squad was able to keep it together because she couldn't in this situation. ''There's still no news on Barba I am afraid.'' she announced, knowing he would ask after he had briefed her.

'' _Rollins and Fin are on their way to question Rigo Heredio in prison.''_ he said. _''I am staying at the station until we have a lead on Felipe.''_

''Good,'' she said again. ''I'll call if there's any news about Barba.''

'' _Thanks, Lieutenant.''_

The line went dead and she put the phone back in her pocket. For a moment she stood frozen in the hospital hallway. The squad was at least closing in on Felipe Heredio. In a way that made it a little better. Once he was arrested for attempted murder, he'd never walk the streets again. That's what happened when an ADA was shot. The entire NYPD was outraged and would join together in their first for justice.

As she turned around she saw Lucia Barba standing right behind her. ''Mrs. Barba.'' she greeted, her voice soft and scared.

''Please, call me Lucia.'' she offered her. ''So I heard from my son it's Lieutenant now.''

Olivia had her hands clasped together in suspense. She had no idea what to expect from this conversation. ''Yes,'' she said, nodding her head. ''I'm so sorry about Rafael. How are you doing?''

''Trying to stay strong.'' she whispered. ''Looks like you're not doing much better.'' she noted as she looked at the woman before her. She was clearly affected by the events of the day. More so than anyone else she'd seen in the waiting room.

Olivia didn't know if there was an appropriate way to respond to the remark, but she was right of course. ''Your son means a lot to all of us. I can't imagine him not being in this world.'' she said. ''The world needs more people like him.''

''I can't disagree with that.'' Lucia said, seeing Olivia just relax a little more. They had met once and that moment had been fleeting. But she had heard many stories from her son. When the stories continued, and she had become the only subject, she realized her son was in love. Probably only for the second time in his entire life, and it warmed her heart. She had seen her son brokenhearted over Yelina for too long. He deserved better and the fleeting relationships to nurse his broken heart hadn't meant much to him. That was until she had first heard of the bright and passionate Olivia Benson that came into his life.

''Rafael never stopped talking about you. Even after he returned to Brooklyn.'' she revealed. ''You were still on his mind every day.''

The words almost made her cry, hearing that from Barba's mother. It not only made her feel guilty but also hopeful. Hopeful that if he made it, that they might have a chance at a future. That was if he could forgive her for continuously walking away.

''I never stopped thinking about him either.'' Olivia mumbled, a tear falling down her cheek. She felt embarrassed for crying. She had cried more in a few short hours than ever before. But she had never been so terrified and hopeless before. These intense feelings were all new to her. Never did she believe that her own happiness could depend so much on another's life. And it did. Probably since the moment she met him, and it took her so long to acknowledge it.

Lucia was about to speak when her name was being called out from behind her. She watched Olivia's eyes grew wider, so she turned around to see a surgeon calling out for her.

Olivia joined her as they walked into the direction of the female surgeon, still clothed in her scrubs. ''I am Lucia Barba.'' Olivia heard her say as she stood next to her.

The surgeon took off her surgical cap and looked them both in the eye. ''Your son made it through surgery and he is being brought to a recovery room as we speak.'' she said first to reveal the most important news. ''We were able to stop the bleeding and repair the damage.''

''Thank you! Thank you.'' Lucia repeated as she shook the surgeon's hands quickly.

With each word being said, Olivia felt the weight being lifted from her shoulders. For an unknown reason her knees went weak. The rest of the conversation became a blur. All she heard was words like damage, scars, bleeding, and CPR. Everything was all too much in that moment.

Yet it was a miracle and she couldn't help but smile widely. It was the best news in the world and it made her feel so much better in an instant. But even though he had made it, she still had an unsettling feeling. It wasn't any day that Barba got shot and she wondered what it would do to him, mentally and physically.

''Your son was very lucky, Ma'am. The bullet didn't hit any vital blood vessels which gave him a chance at survival.'' she explained. ''If his recovery runs smoothly he can be walking out of the hospital in three days. One of my colleagues will talk to you about his recovery at home, but for now you should see him. I will have one of the nurses escort you to his room.''

She followed Lucia and a nurse to another wing of the hospital where they were led toward a private room. But she stopped in the doorway before she could see Barba in the bed.

Lucia turned around and watched Olivia standing by the doorway like a statute. ''Are you coming in?''

''I need to call the squad and let them know he made it through.'' she said, but deep down it was an excuse. ''I will come by later.'' she said and Lucia nodded at her.

She leaned against the wall, her hands shaking. She had no idea what was happening but her heart raced in her chest. She was so scared so she remained glued to the wall. There was something she had to fix first, or rather, make right before she'd be with Barba. She just had to.

From the room she heard Lucia repeating ''mi hijo'' in a sweet and loving voice. She took out her phone and dialed for Carisi. The phone was picked up within seconds and she immediately gave him the good news, hearing him sigh in relief on the other end. After saying their goodbyes, she hang up.

She walked away from the room and slowly but surely made it back to the hospital waiting room where everyone had gotten the news as well. Faces were covered in smiles and people were actually speaking again. It lifted her spirits, knowing so many people were there for Barba and had his back.

But one person in particular stared back at her, and although Tucker displayed a smile, which was rare, she knew she had to clear up many things. It was the one thing she needed to do before she went to see Barba. She couldnt see him with a clear consciouss with Tucker still holding out hope, or maybe not hope. It just didnt matter. It was time for them to have this conversation.

She gave him a small nod, suggesting he come with her. She watched him stride her way and she made it to another private room in the hospital, holding the door open for him. She made her way to the bed and sat down on the edge as she heard Tucker close the door.

''Ed,'' she stressed, but words failed her when she tried to say something. ''I…uh…I need to tell you something.''

''Olivia, I really don't think I want to hear this.'' he pondered. The expression she gave him urged him to walk away as fast he could and he was ready to do so. He didn't want to hear it. He couldn't.

She watched the grimace on his face as he faced away from her intentionally. ''Hang on, please!'' she asked him. ''I want to tell you the truth.''

He spun around at her words, shrugging his shoulders. ''What's there to say?''

''Ed, you've made me feel sane in this past year. You were exactly what I needed to make it through life.'' she said. ''But…'' she tried to go on, but he interrupted her.

''Barba, right?'' he interjected. ''I guess there's nothing I have to offer that you want or need.''

She rose from the bed, attempting to close the distance but with each step he took one more back. She pulled a hand through her hair at the pain she witnessed in his eyes. ''I love him, Ed.'' she whispered. ''I didn't realize that before today, but I know now. And I am so sorry about this. I never intended to hurt you.''

''I'm not going to stand here and pretend that it doesn't hurt. Because it does. I saw a future for us, with Noah. So yes, it hurts.'' he admitted openly. ''But I've seen this coming for quite some time.''

''I am truly sorry.'' Olivia apologized again. ''I really am.''

''I know you are.'' he nodded. ''At the end of the day I just want you to be happy, Liv. You really deserve it.''

She looked up at him and was extremely grateful for his attitude. He was being a real adult and it made a difficult conversation a little easier. ''So do you.''

''Before all of this happened I wanted to let you know that I put my transfer papers in. Hostage negotiation has an opening I didn't want to pass up.'' he informed her. ''So we'll be seeing a lot less of each other.''

She was shocked. IAB had been everything to him. ''Wow, that's a big change for you.'' she commented. ''Are you happy about it?''

''It's a fresh start. Something I need right now.'' he replied as he looked her in the eyes, still feeling the same longing he felt when he was with her. She had changed him for the better. Made him see the world through her eyes and for that he'd be forever grateful. ''I should go.''

She could see the struggle was real for him as it was for her. Ending this particular relationship was most painful of all of them. She was breaking his heart, and that didn't feel right to her, but leading him on would be worse. ''Yeah,'' she whispered softly. ''Thank you for everything.'' she said as he turned to the door and looked at her with one last glance before he walked out of the room, and at the same time out of her life.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the chapters I was most excited about to write. I had several versions of this chapter and this one seemed the best to me, but I am not too happy with it. I have been working up to this chapter for quite some time so I sincerely hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> Thanks to all of you for reading this story!

He was hovering somewhere on the edge of consciousness. There was a faint voice somewhere close by, but he failed to pinpoint the exact location. Instead he absorbed the gentleness of the familiar voice and listened to each word.

''I remember that moment, after the trial with Lewis, when you found me in the stairwell. I remember that you grabbed and held me so tight. You said you'd always be there for me, no matter what. Right there, in that moment I realized that I would never feel more safe, or loved.''

He tried force himself awake and open his eyes, to be able to see the face that voice belonged to. He could hear. He could feel. There was a gentle, soft hand wrapped around his. It was the combination of her voice and touch that had him right there on the edge of consciousness.

He could hear the faint sound of a heartbeat monitor, and breathing. Was it his own or hers? What had happened? Where was he?

Then suddenly he realized it. He had been shot. He could still remember the sound as the bullet was fired and hit him in the chest. Reliving that sound forced him awake. He gasped loudly as his eyes opened, panic settling into the pit of his stomach. His eyes flew across the room in desperation, seeking for a sign of anything familiar.

Olivia was seated in the chair beside his bed. She had just started speaking to him when out of nowhere he jolted awake in his bed. She immediately jumped up from the chair, holding onto his hand tightly.

''Rafael, you're okay.'' she whispered, seeing his eyes roaming across the room. ''You're okay.'' she assured.

He found her as she whispered those reassuring words to him. His eyes met hers and an unfamiliar calmness settled over him. Her eyes were hard, but with a soft expression in it. He was actually looking at Olivia's face and it made him feel at peace.

''Olivia.'' he mumbled, his voice dry and raspy as he barely managed to say her name.

She hovered above him, the emotion taken over at the sheer happiness of seeing him awake. She was still holding onto on his hand. The moment their eyes met she felt at home. It was exactly what she needed.

''I'm here. I am right here.'' she spoke softly.

With their eyes still connected, he attempted to form more words. ''Heredio?'' he rasped.

''There is an APB out for him and the squad is working around the clock to find him. We will get him. I promise you.'' she spoke with honesty. ''He won't get away with it.''

She could see he had many more questions. ''You've been out of it for twenty hours.'' she told him. ''The surgeon told us that the bullet didn't hit any major arteries, which how they were able to stabilize you rather quickly.''

''Okay.'' he whispered.

There was more she wanted to say, so much more. But he looked weak and vulnerable which is why she decided to wait. It was far more important for him to regain his strength for his recovery. But as he stared back at her with loving eyes, even in his moment of distress, she felt her heart skip a beat.

He gently squeezed her fingers in an attempt to comfort her since she was visibly shaking. He hoped she understood what he was trying to express. ''Liv…'' he coaxed, hoping she'd reveal whatever was on her mind.

''Hi,'' she smiled in response. But her wide smile quickly turned into tears as she squeezed his hand somewhat tighter. She moved to sit on the edge of the bed. ''I was so terrified when I saw you on the streets. I'd never been so scared before.''

''It will take a lot more than a bullet to sweep me off this earth.'' he joked, but stopped knowing she had more to say.

She grinned a little at his remark, knowing he was trying to lighten the mood. ''You were shot.'' she reminded him and she felt that terrifying feeling of not knowing resurface. Waiting as his life hang in the balance was the worst moment in her life. ''You could've died. You almost joined Dodds.'' she said desperately as she squeezed his hand tighter as if trying to reassure herself that he was alive. That he was awake, and trying to make her smile.

''But I didn't.'' he mumbled, his head turning to the side so he had a better view of her face.

Even as she tried to hide her fear, he easily recognized it. He saw it in her eyes, in the way her lips tensed, and her face remained stern. He knew her. He had admired her for so long that he knew every inch of her gorgeous face.

''You know, I could handle your transfer. I could handle losing our friendship. But actually losing you, you dying, that I can't handle.'' she managed to say. ''It took me so long to realize that I need you in my life. I can't imagine my life without you.''

She settled in a position until she was more comfortable, her other hand reaching out to cup his cheek. ''I am so sorry it took me so long to realize that. I've wasted so much time and I have hurt you so badly.''

''I have no idea how to do this and I know it's not going to be easy. But what I can say is that I love you. And I will show up and we're going to figure this out.'' she rambled on, not realizing the full extent of her admission.

Barba stared back at her in surprise, or maybe it was more complete shock. ''You what?''

''I love you, Rafael Barba.'' she repeated. ''I'm so in love you and I have been for a long time.''

He had only ever expected to hear those words from her in his dreams. Now it felt almost surreal. Although he felt joyous, his immediate thought went to Tucker.

''I ended my relationship with Ed.'' she cleared up as she noticed the doubt on his face.

He sighed in relief, a smile crossing his face and it stayed there. He was in a hospital bed recovering from a gunshot, and yet it felt like the best day of his life.

As she gazed into his green eyes all she could see was unconditional love. No resentment, no anger, no pain. Just plain and simple love. And it set her heart on fire. This was it, the moment she'd been waiting for and she gently leaned down, her lips grazing his cheek lightly and carefully.

The softness of her lips on his skin was enough to remind him how alive he felt in that moment. He reached out for her hand and gently took it in his own, unable to form any words. To hear those words from her was everything. It was all he'd been waiting for and it felt much better than he ever imagined.

''I love you, too.'' he whispered back at her as she pulled away.

Hearing the sentiment from him again, meant everything to her. He was seeing beyond her previous denial and confusion, and acting like the person he'd always been. She loved that about him.

''I am scared, Rafael.'' she told him, her voice low yet soft. ''Not because of my feelings for you. But of what would happen if this blows up in our faces. What if we lose everything? Our friendship. Our jobs.''

Her fears were the same he had mauled over too many times. In his wildest dreams, he imagined being with her and had thought through nearly every scenario. Including the possibility that a relationship between them may not last. But after weighing all the pros and cons, he found himself willing to risk everything for her, including his job. Because even the slightest chance at a happy life with her was all he needed.

His throat was dry and raspy as he attempted to respond to her. He watched as Olivia immediately sprang into action and returned to his bedside with a cup of water. As she carefully helped him drink the water, he felt relief at the ease it provided. He tried to push himself up off the bed, attempting to sit up, but he felt a sharp pain shooting through his chest.

''Stay down.'' she whispered. ''You've got to be careful.''

He laid his head back down, his eyes connecting with hers. He grabbed one of her hands into his, and held onto it tightly. ''Listen to me, please.'' he began. ''I've spent most of my life focusing on my career. I got into Harvard, I made it to the DA's office. And because I cared more about my career I haven't had a real relationship since Yelena.'' he said but stopped for a moment to catch his breath. ''The fact is, I wouldn't give up my life and career for anyone.'' he explained. ''But I would give it all up for you, Olivia.''

''You're not just my chance at a real relationship. You're the only person I've ever loved this way.'' he went on. ''And although you frustrate me to no end, I love you because you're real, and you're good, and compassionate. You make me a better person by just being in your presence.''

Olivia made no real response, instead leaned down and gently pressed her lips against his. The kiss was soft and gentle, filled with love. And as he responded, she realized something inside her exploded. It opened the floodgates, making her realize this was real.

Her lips were soft on his as she lingered for just a few seconds. He responded by connecting their lips once more, deepening the contact and igniting the passion he felt.

''I hate that you're so good at making arguments.'' she whispered against his lips breathlessly as she pulled away.

He felt her hot breath against his skin, setting his body on fire yet it was the wrong moment. He had to wait. Had to recover first before anything real could happen. And he wanted it to more than anything. ''Keep kissing me and I'll convince you to do anything.'' he teased.

She smiled at him through happy eyes. ''There will be enough time for that later.'' she promised with a wicked grin. ''But you need to rest. You have to get better first!''

''Just sleep for now.'' she insisted. ''I will be here.''

He slipped his hand around hers as she was about to pull away. ''Climb into bed with me.'' he insisted, moving his arm to make place for her.

She shook her head immediately. ''No, I won't hurt you.''

''Having you close is worth the pain, Liv.'' he argued instantly. ''It's fine. I am fine.''

She rid herself of her shoes and carefully let herself fall down next to him. She felt his arm slip around her body as she laid her head down on his shoulder, fortunately where he hadn't been hurt.

He took a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of her warm body next to his. It felt so perfect as if they were two pieces of a puzzle which fit together perfectly. And he felt his eyes grow heavier, knowing everything was good in that moment. He was very much alive, and she was next to him. Life couldn't get much better.

''I love you.'' Olivia whispered against his shoulders, feeling the anxiety of the last few months leap from her body. She felt safe, and at home for the first time in years.

''You too.'' he murmured as his eyes closed in satisfaction.

Before either of them knew it, they drifted off into a peaceful sleep while in each other's arms.

 

* * *

 

 

In the hallway, the squad had gathered and were gazing into the hospital room at the same time. Their expressions ranged from surprise to a big grin.

''Who knew, huh?'' Fin whispered lowly to ensure they continued to sleep.

Rollins turned to Fin, rolling her eyes at his remark. His face still displayed shock after they found Barba and their boss in bed together. ''Hmm, everyone but them, Fin.''

''We should let Lieu know that we caught Heredio.'' Carisi said, interrupting the other two as he began to walk towards the room.

Rollins pulled him back by the arm with force. ''No, let them have this moment together.'' she countered.

They deserved a peaceful moment together after all that happened. It seemed they had finally found each other after too long a time, so she just wanted them to have that time together without any interruptions.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am back with my next installment, and I hope you all will enjoy it!
> 
> And a special thanks to everyone who has left kudos and comments on this story!

She shifted in the bed, the rays of sunshine shining into the room forcing her eyes open. She felt a strong arm wrapped around her and opened her eyes to be brought back to her new reality. She was in Barba's arms in the hospital bed and he was still asleep.

A wide smile crossed her face as she buried her face against his chest, listening to the peaceful sound of his heart beating. She stretched out her arm and she let one hand come to rest upon his chest.

The room was almost silent, the only sounds being their breathing and the beeping of his heart monitor. It almost felt like a bubble, the safest place she'd ever been in. She wished more than anything she could stay there forever with Barba, and of course Noah. Then everything would be perfect. But unfortunately a new day had forced her awake and served as a reminder of the work she had to do.

She gently slipped away from his arm, her feet meeting the floor, when she felt his hand wrap around her wrist, pulling her back.

Barba had felt her moving beside him, but had kept his eyes closed, too afraid of breaking the spell. Having her that close to him was a new intimacy for them, which had felt so right. There had been no awkwardness, only longing and the feeling of finally being home.

When she began moving, he reached out and found her wrist, and gently pulled on it. His head had turned to the side, his eyes opening to see the sun shining brightly into her hair. It was the perfect sight to wake up to. ''Where are you going?'' he mumbled, feeling the dryness in his throat. His body still hurt badly, but she lessened the pain. It forced him to focus on something else entirely.

She turned around, slipping her hand around his and brushing her fingers along his hand. As she sat down on the edge of the bed, a grin spread across her face. His hair was mushed up, his eyes small to adjust to the light, and it all made her smile. Never had she seen the well-put together ADA in such a state. She had a feeling he liked to control his looks as he never looked anything less than flawless at work, even after work.

''What are you smiling at?'' he asked when he received no response to the first question and she continued to stare at him with wonder.

She leaned down and pressed her lips against his, feeling him respond immediately. She felt his hand tangle in her hair as their lips continued to meet, the connection awakening the passion inside of her. His lips were soft, yet felt firm against hers. They melted together like snow under the sun.

After a few more seconds, she pulled back, knowing the intensity was becoming too much to bear. She had to remember he was still in a hospital bed, even though his kisses didn't show it. At all.

''You just look cute.'' she finally responded and immediately watched his cocky grin turn into a sad smile, obviously fake of course.

He turned to her a little more, careful to not to force his body into any more pain. ''I wasn't exactly aiming for cute here, Lieutenant.'' he said, pretending to have a wounded ego. ''Maybe handsome, or I could even go with fetching, but cute, that's a no.'' he joked.

''Harris was right,'' she teased, still sitting on the edge of his bed. ''you really do have a big brass ego.''

His lips curved into a smile, the happiness spreading across his face. She was being her old self again with him, responding to his jokes, and teasing him right back. It was one of the many things he'd missed so much. ''I missed you, mi amor.'' he whispered subtly, his voice low and teasing.

She leaned in once more for a chaste kiss, pulling away before he could respond. ''I love it when you speak Spanish.'' she whispered back at him, hovering closely to him. She could feel the warmth of his breath against her skin.

She brushed her lips against his again and she swore she never wanted to stop. As he deepened the kiss and demanded entry, she felt so intoxicated by his kiss. He consumed her, making her forget the world around her in an instant.

This time, he broke away to come up for air. His breathing had increased and as the heart monitor indicated, so had his heartbeat. He lifted his hand and cupped her cheek gently. ''Te amo, mi amor.''

She sighed heavily, trying to come back from the amazing kiss. ''I love you, too.'' she said, knowing that saying and hearing the sentiment would never grow old. ''And for the sake of stroking you ego, you are an amazing kisser.''

''So are you.'' he whispered back, his breathing heavy as he gazed into her eyes. ''I really don't want to say this because I'm so happy you're here, but I think you should go home and see Noah.''

Her forehead came to rest against his for just a moment. She then kissed him on his cheek and pulled back. ''I know.'' she nodded as she reached for her phone on the table.

She unlocked the screen to find several text messages, but to her surprise, no missed calls. She opened them one by one, the smile on her face growing bigger with each text she read.

Barba noticed her smile widen as she stared down at her phone. ''What is it?'' he asked curiously.

She immediately looked up at him and put the phone back down. ''Well, Heredio has been arrested.'' she announced, knowing this would put him at ease. The man who had nearly killed him was off the streets, no longer capable of hurting him again.

''Wow, that makes me feel even better.'' he declared.

''Also, the squad apparently knows about us.'' she added. ''I got a text from Fin saying he was happy for us.''

He was somewhat shocked that Olivia wasn't displaying any form of anxiety at the squad's knowledge of something going on between them. Before she seemed so scared about it, but now she didn't seem worried at all. ''Are you okay with that?''

She returned to the edge of the bed when he asked the question. ''Yes, I am.'' she confirmed. ''I've been running from my feelings for so long and I don't want to run anymore. I want to take this leap with you and our relationship being public is a part of that. So yes, I'm fine with it.'' she went on. ''We're going to figure it out. I know we will.''

''You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that.'' he said. ''Because I'm in this for the long haul, Liv. I want to start a life with you and with Noah.''

The overwhelming feeling to kiss him again washed over her for umpteenth time, so she rose to her feet to avoid the temptation. He needed his rest, and she had to check in with Noah and get back to work. There was so much to do.

''Oh, and Carisi has been in contact with your mother and she'll be here around 10 o'clock.'' she informed him. ''So stay in bed and get more sleep, okay.''

''Liv, stop worrying!'' he insisted. ''I'm not going anywhere, believe me.''

She turned to face him and was met with a smirk on his face. ''You were shot! So you need to rest.'' she reminded him. ''I'll come by for a visit tonight with Noah, if that's okay with you.''

''I would love that.'' he said happily. He had seen Noah often on visits to Olivia's apartment for cases, and although he had never seen a future with kids, he had come to really love Noah. And seeing Olivia being a mother to the wonderful boy was a big part of what he loved about her. They were a package deal and he had always known that. ''But I don't want you to come by out of obligation, Liv. It has been a devastating week and you should stay home with Noah.''

''I'll give you a call when I get back home tonight. How does that sound?''

''It sounds perfect.''

She smiled at him, then retrieved her coat and put it on. Fortunately, the hospital sweats were comfortable, but she did really need a shower and fresh clothes. She had been in the hospital for nearly an entire day. And even though she had a hard time leaving Barba, she couldn't wait to hug Noah tightly and be with him.

She had moved towards the door and stopped to turn back to give him one last goodbye. ''I'll talk to…'' she tried to say, but he interrupted her.

''No goodbye kiss?'' he challenged, seeing her cheeks become flushed at his question.

She took one step back into the room, knowing he knew exactly why she was rushing out of the room without a proper goodbye. ''If I kiss you again, I will never leave.'' she admitted.

He chuckled at the expression on her face. ''No objection from me, Lieutenant.''

''Damn it, Counselor.'' she cursed as she dropped her bag to the floor and rushed back toward him. When she reached the bed she gave him a quick peck on the lips, pulling away before he had a chance to deepen the kiss.

''Hmm, that's better.'' he breathed out as she once again retreated to the door. He watched as she flung her bag over her shoulder and hovered in the doorway. ''Go, Liv!'' he insisted.

''I'll see you soon.'' she said lovingly. With one last glance of his handsome face, she turned around and strode out of the room.

Soon after Olivia had left the hospital, Barba had slipped into a peaceful slumber. He was exhausted despite the sleep he had gotten throughout the night. He knew his was body was much weaker after the shooting, and the surgery had taken the last bit of energy he had left. The strain on his body together with the excitement of being with Olivia had him surrendering to sleep all too quickly.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I want to apologize for my lack of updating this story. I kind of needed to find my way again, but I'm quite happy with this chapter. So I hope you all enjoy it as well.
> 
> And second, a huge amount of thanks to everyone who has read, commented or left kudos on this story. You all make my day!

Several hours later, Barba awoke to find his mother sitting beside his bedside in the chair which Olivia had previously occupied. His sight was hazy as he forced his eyes open, his body feeling strained and weak. He turned onto his side slightly to receive a beaming smile from her, and it caused him to smile back at her.

''Mi hijo,'' Lucia spoke out in relief as she moved closer to the bed. ''it's good to see some color on your cheeks again.'' she said sweetly, happy to see her son awake and looking better than before.

''I'm going to be fine, mami.'' he reassured her immediately.

''I spoke to your doctor when I came in this morning and he told me you can be released from the hospital within the next two days. But he stressed that you can't return to work until you've gained more strength, so you I'll be staying with you during your recovery.'' she told him strictly.

Barba breathed in and out deeply at the thought. He loved his mother deeply but having her at his apartment 24/7 was the last thing he needed. ''Mami, I love you but I'll find a different way.''

Lucia sat back down in her chair, smiling at her son's insistence. ''So, Detective Carisi told me that Lieutenant Benson was with you the entire night.''

Barba groaned when he realized exactly where this conversation was going. His mother had pushed him to get married and have children for so long, that the prospect of a possible relationship made her too happy for her own good. ''Yes, Olivia stayed with me.''

''I'm happy for you, Rafi.'' she said sincerely. ''You deserve more good things in your life, and Olivia strikes me as the person who can make you very happy.''

He rested his head against his pillow and felt better just by thinking of her. She truly was the one person who could make him happy. If anything she had kept him sane since joining the DA's office. She was the one good thing which had come from his job, and now she was the only person he could imagine being with. ''She really does make me happy.'' he yawned, feeling the exhaustion return.

''Just sleep, mi hijo.'' Lucia told him in a soft voice.

* * *

_His surroundings were dead silent as he stood on the pavement. He searched desperately for a sign of life, anyone who could explain where he was. His heart was pounding in his chest, his senses on high alert while he turned around._

_He took two steps forward when suddenly out of nowhere, the deafening sound of a shot rang, accompanied by a sharp pain in his chest. He stared down in disbelief to watch the blood seeping from his chest, staining his perfect suit. Before he had a chance to respond the darkness overtook him, his body growing horrifyingly cold._

Barba shot up in the bed, his chest heaving as he fought to get the air into his lungs. His eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, and for a moment he found himself unable to differentiate the nightmare from his reality.

The lights in the hospital room were switched on seconds after he was forced awake by his nightmare. His eyes fell upon the person who had just turned on all the lights, most likely in an attempt to calm him down.

The silhouette offered a comfortable familiarity and settled the fear he felt coursing through his body just moments before. ''Liv.'' he croaked out.

She turned her head at the sound of his panicked voice. Her eyes met his, and she saw the mix of fear and joy registering in them. ''You're okay.'' she told him as she moved towards the bed. ''I'm here.'' she assured him when she stood next to him, searching his eyes for an explanation, but she didn't want to push him.

''Not that I'm unhappy that you're here, but where's Noah?'' he asked her, avoiding the topic of his nightmare for as long as he could.

She settled on the edge of the bed, knowing the hospital was nearly becoming her second home since Barba had been shot. ''Lucy offered to stay the night. I put him to bed and then decided to visit you but you were asleep so I didn't want to wake you.'' she explained shortly, turning her attention to one of his trembling hands.

She took a hold of his and gave him a gentle squeeze of reassurance. ''Raf, you can talk to me, you know.''

He closed his eyes, letting the calmness of her voice wash over him. He took a deep breath and let a moment pass by. ''I'm happy, Liv.'' he reckoned. ''And I don't want anything to get in the way of that.''

She understood his need to focus on the good. After all she'd been through, she had used the same coping mechanism. The good in life forced her to recognize that she deserved to be loved and to have a great life, and by focusing on that she had slowly found herself moving on from Lewis. It had taken time, but she had dealt with it in her own way after she was faced with the confronting truth that denial was a downfall.

''It's good that you're happy.'' she smiled briefly. ''But you went through a traumatic experience. You were shot and that leaves behind an imprint you'll have to face one way or another.''

''I don't want to burden you.''

His words caused her eyes to fill with tears. Still, his concern for her was far greater than for himself. He was such a good person that she wondered how anyone could've hurt him.

She wiped the tears from her cheeks, still unable to hold them back. ''You will never be a burden!'' she stated unrelentingly. ''I'm in this, Rafael. For the good and the bad.'' she continued on. ''I need you to believe it when I say that.''

He nodded as the ability to form words seemed to have vanished from his skillset altogether. The sincerity in her eyes, told him everything. It was pure unadulterated love. It was the epitome of emotions.

''I. Love. You.'' she stated, putting the emphasizes on each word. ''And I plan on showing you that every day of our lives together.''

He carefully pushed himself up in the bed, straightening his back in the process. Once he was sitting comfortably, he tugged her closer by pulling on her hand. He let his hand slip into brown locks while she leaned in.

He held back for two more seconds until the urge to kiss her overtook him. He cradled the back of her neck, his lips brushing against hers. With the first taste of her mouth, he moaned, unable to hold back anything. She tasted of coffee and something else, something only she tasted like.

The kiss escalated from gentle to passionate, until it turned into a heap of emotions. The need to kiss her had been present since day one, and now that he had her, he never wanted to stop.

Olivia kissed him back with equal intensity, their tongues doing a perfect dance, as the kiss deepened impossibly more. She felt his hand tangle in her hair as the other urged her closer, but she suddenly broke away to come up for air, her head coming to rest against his. ''We should slow down.'' she whispered breathlessly.

Barba cupped her cheek lovingly, smiling at the knowledge that his kisses were unraveling her. ''I'm fine, Liv.'' he expressed, hoping to shatter her concern for him. ''We can make out.'' he whispered teasingly, his voice low and hoarse.

Without a word of warning, he pulled her up to onto the bed to straddle him. Her legs came to rest on either side of his own, and he grinned when he stared back at her surprised expression.

She didn't pull away when she decided to let him determine how much he could take. So she remained in the same position, returning his smile at the knowledge that he'd always be stubborn. ''I spoke to your mother today.'' she announced wickedly, knowing it would put a damper in his mood.

He fell back against his pillow, groaning out in frustration. ''What did she tell you?''

''Well to summarize, that you refused her help.'' she began. ''So, I was thinking that maybe you could stay with me.'' she suggested almost shyly.

Their relationship was still so fresh that she didn't want to push the idea on him. Everything was already happening too fast without them stopping for a moment to think about it all. But helping him during his recovery and ensuring he'd heal properly was worth it to her.

''Liv…'' he stressed, but he was interrupted before he had a chance to finish the sentence.

''You don't want to be a burden.'' she finished for him, her hands coming rest on his shoulders. ''Having you at my apartment would be the opposite of a burden. Besides, Noah loves you already, so I don't see a reason why you can't stay with us.''

''Just promise me you won't go out of your way for me.'' he insisted. ''I don't want to intrude on your life, Liv.''

Almost playfully, she leaned forward, brushing her lips against his for a sweet kiss. ''You're a little too late with that, Counselor.''

He lifted one hand to let it rest on her hip as the other remained on her leg. ''How's that, Lieutenant?'' he questioned, stealing a quick kiss before she could answer.

''Well, you've been intruding on my life for four years now, but you'll never hear me complain.'' she murmured happily.

''It's been quite a difficult four years.'' he remembered. Some memories he held dearly, while others were extremely devastating.

What he, however, remembered most, were the small moment they had shared. Their late night work on cases while being surrounded by boxes of take-out and either his favorite scotch or her favorite wine. It were the peaceful moments he remembered fondly.

''But it led us here.'' she said, feeling that perhaps everything had happened for a reason. That maybe they had to withstand all the hurdles to finally find each other and share a life together. She'd never been a big believer in fate, but as she looked at him, she knew there had to be reason he was in her life. He made her feel so loved, so safe, unlike anything she'd ever experienced before.

''Come lay down next to me.'' he offered sweetly, patting the space beside him.

''No more making out?'' she wondered out loud.

He shook his head as she moved away from him and gently crawled next to him after she had taken off her shoes. ''Right now, I just want to hold you.''

She comfortably settled against his side, his arm wrapping tightly around her, pulling her even closer. ''We still need to talk about your nightmares, Raf.'' she said in the hopes he wouldn't back down from the subject.

He nodded, kissing the top of her head affectionately. ''I know.'' he agreed. ''But right now I want to hear about your day.''

She let the topic of his nightmares go for that moment, and spoke happily about how she shared her morning with Noah, knowing he was listening to every word. Her afternoon had been quite the opposite as she found herself having back to back meetings with the higher-ups. The subjects ranged from Dodds' death and closing that investigation to how to handle the investigation involving Barba's threats. It was an overload of explaining she had to do and most of it she had yet to figure out.

The day had been consuming and the events of the past days had overwhelm her more than anything. In order to deal with everything, she'd gone home early and spent more time with Noah, before returning to the hospital to spent more time with Barba.

And being in his arms caused the pressure and stress of the day to fade from her body. Instead, she only felt a peaceful calmness. One she hoped to find with him each and every day of their future lives.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been too long since I last posted a chapter here, and I sincerely apologize. I guess I needed to find my initial inspiration for this story again, and fortunately I managed to write this chapter quickly. So I hope you all will enjoy this.
> 
> Special thanks to everyone who has left kudos and comments on this story!

The following three days passed by without Olivia finding much time to rest properly. Her focus was spanned in many different directions and she began to feel the stress of it all. She'd spent time bringing Barba's essential belongings over to her apartment for when he came to stay with her and Noah, and then there was work, which hadn't slowed down for a moment. All she wanted to do was curl up on her couch with Noah and Barba, and enjoy some quality time.

Much to the Dodds' dismay, and that of the squad, she had decided to take a week off from work to recharge and get settled back into her life. A lot of pain was still fresh on everyone's mind and she knew that taking time off was not only to get away, but it was to deal with Dodds' death. Through Barba's shooting and the investigation, no one had been able to properly grief for their loss.

Despite the busy days, Olivia couldn't be more grateful to be alive. And as she stood in the hallway, with Barba next to her, she knew not to take a single moment for granted. She was starting a new relationship with a man who had been her rock for years. And even though, she sometimes had to pinch herself, it truly was happening, and it made her feel hopeful for their future.

She shifted her eyes to Barba as she found her keys, and she couldn't help but chuckle at his current state. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants with the Harvard sweater he had requested, and his state of undress was appealing to her. It was something different, something she loved to see.

''I can almost hear you think.'' Barba remarked, breaking the silence as he stood beside her, waiting for her to open the door, but instead she turned to him.

''I just…you…uhh…you look great out of your suit.'' she admitted as a blush crept up her face. ''Not that you don't look good in a suit. Because you do. You really really do.'' she said almost breathlessly as he began closing the distance without hesitation.

This was different than their kisses before. He was now actually standing, and the one truly initiating, and she had to admit, she loved it.

He took one final step, taking note of her unsteady breathing, the heat rising between them. ''Well well, the Lieutenant is blushing.'' he teased happily as he leaned in closer. Instead of kissing her on the lips, he gently placed a kiss on her cheek and pulled away. He'd seen the exhaustion displayed on her features and wanted her to catch up on sleep.

''You seem to have that effect on me.'' she whispered softly as she fumbled with the keys in her hand. She turned away from him and quickly opened the door to her apartment.

Once inside, Olivia dropped her belongings to the ground and said a quick goodbye to Lucy. After the door closed behind Lucy, she moved to her couch and sat down next to Barba, letting her head come to rest on his shoulder.

''Liv, you look exhausted. You should go to bed.'' he insisted, hearing her yawn just as he finished his sentence.

She had already done so much for him, and he didn't want her to suffer on his behalf. It had been a shocking few days and after his release from the hospital all he wanted was to crawl into bed with her and sleep for hours, maybe days even.

She lifted her head and leaned in quickly to press a kiss to his cheek. ''Your clothes are in the second drawer of my dresser.'' she told him. ''I'm going to check on Noah, take a shower and then I'll join you in bed.''

''Thanks.'' he whispered gratefully as he rose to his feet and made his way toward her bedroom as Olivia moved to check on Noah.

About ten minutes later, Olivia emerged from the bathroom wearing her pajama shorts and black top to find Barba sitting on the edge of her bed. She heard him slightly cursing under his breath as he seemed to be attempting to remove his shirt to no avail.

She rushed towards him and kneeled down before him, exchanging a judging look with him. ''Here, let me.'' she offered. ''You have to be careful with your stitches.''

Barba, however, barely listened when he got too caught up with looking down at her. Her hair was up in a ponytail, and her pajama shorts and top outlined her curves perfectly. And as their eyes connected, he swore he'd never seen anyone more beautiful than her. There was a calmness in her eyes, a peace he'd never known or felt before.

''Mi amor…'' he breathed as he felt the air rush over his bare torso once she had removed the shirt.

Her eyes drifted down to his chest, to where the bullet had entered his skin. Seeing it for the first time forced her to realize how real everything was. How she had nearly lost him.

She extended her hand and placed it gently over the wound as her eyes flew back up to meet his. ''I'm so sorry that this happened to you.'' she spoke softly as her eyes began shining with tears.

He cupped her face, sliding his hands down slowly to her shoulders and pulling her up to come sit next to him on the bed. ''There's no need to cry, cariño.'' he told her while wiping the tears from her cheeks. ''I'm here, Liv, and I'm not going anywhere. The worst part is over and from here on out it can only get better.'' he went on. ''I don't want you to be sad.''

''I'm not sad, Rafael.'' she said as she gazed back at him. ''What I meant is that you don't deserve to get hurt. You may have acted like an arrogant ass when we first met, but as I got to know you and I fell for you, I saw a different side to you.'' she continued. ''You fight for the victims, and even if you may not admit it, you care. You're a good person. You're someone who never deserved to get hurt, especially not for doing your job.''

He stared back at her with nothing but love. ''If I'm a good person, then you must be an angel.'' he murmured.

Barba closed the distance between them, his lips brushing against hers. He moaned into the kiss, feeling his body relaxing as she responded with a matching passion.

She moved onto her knees as the kiss intensified, their tongues intertwining. She gently urged him further up the bed, and with her hands on his chest she moved to straddle him as he laid back. For a moment, she pulled back and looked down at him as her hands explored the planes of his torso in a slow pace.

His hands rested on her hips as his eyes were glued to hers. Laying down with Olivia on top was a sight that still seemed surreal. ''Ya sabes que eres preciosa, ¿verdad?''

She loved the sound of the Spanish rolling of his tongue so easily. He spoke it with such passion that it warmed her heart. ''I do now.'' she beamed. ''Tu eres muy guapo.''

''You're sexy as hell when you speak Spanish.'' he praised.

His hands slowly moved beneath the hem of her top when their lips connected once more. He groaned appreciatively at the feelings of her soft warm skin beneath his fingertips. He wanted more than anything to continue the slow exploration of her body, but he felt both of them needed sleep.

''I'll regret saying this, but we should probably go to sleep.'' she suddenly whispered against his lips, as if reading his thoughts.

''That sounds like a plan.'' he agreed.

Together they slipped beneath the blankets and Barba moved behind her as she crawled into his embrace, his arms slipping around her. He kissed the top of her head lovingly and smiled when she sighed in response to the kiss.

''I love you.'' she whispered, her voice so soft it seemed like she had already fallen into a deep slumber.

''I love you, too.'' he said, his own eyelids growing more heavy as the seconds began to pass by.

* * *

The following morning, Olivia awoke to the sound of Barba's voice resonating from her living room. She opened her eyes, adjusting to the sunlight shining through the curtains. She slowly moved to sit up, stretching her arms and legs.

She moved onto her feet and treaded into the living room and a wide smile immediately crossed her face at the sight in front of her. Noah was happily playing with his toys on the couch next to Barba, who seemed to be completely entranced in the presence of her son.

She stepped towards them, her hand gently squeezing Barba's shoulder as she leaned down to drop a kiss on his cheek. She sat down on the other side of Noah as she caught his eyes, feeling unbelievably happy. If this is what life would look like every day, she couldn't ask for more. With Noah and Barba with her there wasn't more she'd ask for.

''Good morning, Noah.'' Olivia whispered in a soothing voice.

''I woke up early and decided to check on Noah when he was already awake.'' he began to explain carefully.

Olivia raised her hand reassuringly. ''Raf, it's fine. I trust you with him.'' she reassured him. ''You and him on the couch is one of the best things I've witnessed.''

''You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.'' he said as his eyes shifted to Noah who was still playing all too happily with his toys, completely unaware of the conversation between them. ''I need you to know that I love him too, Liv. I'm not the best with kids, but with Noah, I want to be the best father I can be. If you'll allow it of course.''

It continued to shock her how many times, he managed to bring her close to tears with his words. ''There's a reason that you're here, and that's because I want you here. I want us to be a family.'' she responded. ''And I know it's all moving really fast. I mean, we haven't even had a first date and we're jumping into this so quickly, but I believe in us.''

''We should fix the first date part.'' he beamed as soon as she finished her final sentence. ''Olivia Benson, would you go on a date with me?''

''Hmm, let me think for a moment.'' she teased with a grin on her lips. ''I'll say yes as long as you behave as the perfect gentlemen.''

''Before I accepted that offer I'd need to know what the definition of a perfect gentleman is because I do intent to kiss you. A lot.''

She settled comfortably in the couch, leaning back as their hands connected on the armrest. ''That's an offer I won't refuse. You have a deal, Counselor.''

''You're an easy negotiator, mi amor.'' he said.


End file.
